Marked with the Promise

Visits

2012-02-17T12:27:00.002-05:00

It's the beginning of the end...

Next week the kids start unsupervised visits at home with their parents. They are suppose to be with us until September but

Praying Mom & Dad will be able to handle the pressures of 3 kids and the kids will be strong enough to handle two different worlds. Praying I can handle this as well!

It will be a difficult transition but nessasarry to go to the next step.

Promises

2012-02-17T05:04:00.000-05:00

That old 80's song "You make me promises promises" has been rolling through my head over and over again the past few days.

This week has been an emotionally taxing week for me. Some really good friends of ours just had a beautiful baby girl this week. This past Friday we celebrated another friends handsome little boys 1st birthday. While we were there another set of our friends with 3 little boys announced they were pregnant & it's a strong possibility that it might be twins. Not to mention it looks as though our three will be going home in September. Oh by the way did I tell you that as we were pulling out of the drive way for our valentines date my truck broke?

Can you see why that songs been in my head?

As I was driving back to work from seeing my friend & her new baby at the hospital I realized the swerving faith that continues to rise up in my heart as I asked...

"God is there ever going to come a time when we get to have a baby? Didn't you promise me that? Are we ever going to have children we don't have to give back? What have I done wrong? What am I DOING wrong? I try so hard to get it all right but I still haven't measured up? God PLEASE just give me a sign a word something for me to hold on to."

Yesterday morning after I dropped off all the kids I headed back up to the hospital to sit with my friend because her husband had to go to a meeting. There is one Christian radio station that I love to listen to. I turned it on in the middle of a conversation they were having with some guy about really wanting something and having to wait. I listened & then turned it off and made some phone calls but THEY just don't understand MY pain.

When I turned it back on Brooke the female talk show host was reading an email someone had written about sharing their waiting experience. She talked about getting married young having several miscarriages and thinking how she had given up on her dream of ever having children. She finally got pregnant carried the baby to term and when she had the baby boy she had been praying for she named him Zachariah, she stated in the email that's means THE LORD REMEMBERS.

Yep that is when I pretty much busted into to tears...asking for forgiveness and praying for unswerving hope as in Hebrews 10:23 and to remove all my disbelief. Honestly, as I approach 38 it is getting harder and harder to believe that God gave me that dream to hold on to hope instead of satan giving it to me to torture me everyday. What it comes down to for me is that everyday sometimes every moment it a choice...either I choose to believe God has my best interest at heart or I choose to walk away from everything that I have believed since I was a little girl.

Next Month I have to teach at our women's conference on Dreams. The section I have to teach on is our method vs our means...basically our words and our actions meeting to fulfill our dreams. Example, You can't say I have to be the best mom to my kids and never be there for them. I felt like God told me the beginning of the year that it's time to start dreaming again...im trying...

Thank you Father for loving me in spite of my doubt. I thank you for the 3 wonderful beautiful children you have placed for a time in our care. I thank you for providing a way. I thank you that YOU know the ending and when there is a war You always win if we allow you to fight instead of fighting the battles alone. Forgiveme for my sins. Father guard my heart my mind and my ears. Give me the courage to do what you have called me to do. I thank you Father for loving me first, knowing me best, and loving me MOST!

February...the month of LOVE

2012-02-08T09:55:00.004-05:00

As I sit here today it's Sunday afternoon & I'm home with have a clean house. Thanks to my husband skipping church. Trust me I am NOT for skipping just because you don't "feel" like going and NO I'm not saying that my dirty house was/is more important than God. But I am thankful that God has given me a husband who while he isn't perfect he IS will to continually willing change not for me but to make himself a better person. He doesn't always clean like I do...we differ on how to clean...there for we usually do not clean together. :)

Needless to say when I walked in this afternoon I felt LOVED. He knows how much a dirty house stresses me out. And while sometimes I have to get over it and focused on what is important...THE MOMENT... We have a caseworker visiting tomorrow. So the importance of a clean house rose to the top.

The 3 blue eyed beauties are still here with us. It's almost been a year now. Parents have an upcoming court date. They are at the present moment doing what they are suppose to...taking the classes & doing the jobs that they were asked to do by the courts. We have a pretty good relationship with the birth mom & her family as well as the birth dad. Our prayer is that if they are to go home with their mom & dad then they will allow God to change & heal their hearts fully & completely. If they are to stay with us we pray that the kids will not have any more trauma with going home & then coming back.

As much as we love them we have to be willing to let them go if that is what God chooses. Something that brings me peace is that God already knows the outcome. No matter what NO ONE can EVER take away what God has placed in their hearts. NO ONE will ever be able to take away the memories they've had living here or that they've given us.

As for February...and just a few things that I love...
My God My FATHER
My Husband
3 Beautiful Blue Eyed Beauties sleeping in my house
SNOW :)
My Puppies
My Family
My Friends
My Neighbors
ABSOLUTELY LOVE kissing those babies good night each night. After a year still my favorite part of the day!
My Church

What do you LOVE about February?

Radically...Irrevocably...Persistently

2012-01-18T11:02:00.003-05:00

We can only desire what you can imagine.

Our church needs to be RIPPED wide open...

RIP

My desire isn’t just to RIP (rest in peace)
My desire is for God to RIP this church WIDE open…
I want our children to RIP their generation…

Radically sold out to Christ
Irrevocably devoted to each other.
Persistently committed to reaching the lost.

We have a choice to Rest In Peace or to Allow God to RIP us wide open and create us who he wants us to be.

We were asked to do just TWO things...Love the Lord with ALL our heart mind body & soul...and...to love our neighbor as ourselves. That's all we have to focus on...

Father, help me be more of an equipper and less of a doer. Give me the strength to trust in you fully. Help me to build others rather than seeing them as a tool to build my own ministry. Father in this "fatherless" world my hearts desire Lord is to be RADICALLY sold out to YOU! To be irrevocably devoted to each other and to be PERSISTENTLY committed to reaching those who don't know you. Father, help me be a cheerleader to my team and to be bold the way Jesus was when I ask people to serve. Remind me to laugh and to rest. Help me Father devote the resources that you provide me to develop others. Father, help me forgive myself for my shortcomings this past year. In 2012 I will remember the 1 thing that is important…YOU!

Far From Perfect

2011-09-26T11:04:00.002-04:00

My desire is not to be perfect by any means. There is this fire burning deep with in...this holy discontent...my hearts desire is to be:

Passionate...about what He has called me to

Persistent...not giving, more than just ok

Pursuing...Him with all my heart mind strength and soul

Patient...waiting on Lord...I am hopeful though it is painful patiently, I will wait.

Take delight in the LORD,and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this. Psalms 37:4-6

Today...

2011-09-15T08:16:00.001-04:00

Today is one of "those" days. One of those days that has been a struggle & a blessing. One of those days where I wanted to stay in bed and cover my head and not come up for a few days. One of those days where I'm excited about things but so scared of what tomorrow might hold. One of those days were I pray for the children's family with hope that justice for their sake is served and that lifes will begin to be changed for the positive. One of those days when you don't know exactly HOW to pray.

Father I thank you today for all your blessings. I pray that you show me what satan doesn't want me to see. Show me how YOU see me. Show me what is for now & what is for later. Show me how to prepare for the harvest that is coming. Give me your heart to love, your eyes to see, your ears to hear you crystal clear, your hands to touch, your feet to go, and your mouth to speak your words. Help me to be who you have created me to be. I love you.

Philippians 4:13

2011-07-18T13:33:00.000-04:00

What does
~six kids (ages 1,2,4,4,6,8)
~103.8 fever
~the monday AFTER VBS
~Strep Thoat
~flooded basement
~HORRIBLE Strep rash on the BACK of my neck
~husband working late (again for the 5th night in a row)

ALL have in common???

Not a VERY good Monday!

It's days like this that I am glad I have scriptures hidden in my heart! :)

In the beginning...

2011-07-12T23:05:00.003-04:00

In the beginning my plan was to blog everyday so I wouldn't forget a moment of how they make me feel...how my husband stepped into fatherhood...how I adjusted to motherhood...how they grow...the cute things they do...the frustrations of being a foster parent...the joys of finally getting to feel a little bit of what it was like to be a mommy...how God is working through them to change & mold me. But then it happened...the unthinkable...something that you can never fully prepare for...

L.I.F.E.

That's right. Life. Crazy but it's true. My life over the past few months has been consumed everything and more of what I mentioned about but also I have had 2 summer camps and in the middle of what is turning out to be the BEST VBS YET!

Shawn came once again to pick up the kids from VBS and put them to bed. Since I'm in charge I have to be there until the last person leaves & that can make for a late night for these babies. (Shawn has been an AMAZING help during the busiest month of my year.) When I came home tonight I heard the VBS music playing from G's bedroom. I was tucking them in & kissing them good night & the words just really struck me as I looked at these 3 beautiful children...

It seems like there’s so much to hope for
So many dreams, I wish they all could come true
When I think about your ways, Lord
It gives me so much faith in all that you do
Faith to see beyond what I can see
Faith to know that you will do great things
I will trust you Lord, I’ll always believe
As I hold on to my faith
Jesus, you are holding on to me.

Father I pray that you fill there hearts with dreams that can not be squelched. Please give them the faith to see beyond they could possibly see...Father give them the strength to know that they will do GREAT things...that you have BIG plans for them...Give them Godly confidence, wisdom, & grace. Forgive me Father for not being the mother that they need at all times. Thank you for loving & giving me the opportunity to love these children.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Camp 2011

2011-06-19T04:47:00.000-04:00

REMAIN: to be a part not destroyed,
to continue unchanged
Continue to exist

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:1-14

Camp begins today...I have two weeks of camp where I am "in charge" of nothing but hold ultimate responsibility...This week we will be learning what it means to be a STRETCHER BEARER.

Mark 2:1-12 A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”

Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, “Why does this fellow talk like that? He’s blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?”

Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, “Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier: to say to the paralytic, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins…” He said to the paralytic, “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this!”

Father, I come to you today, Father's Day, thanking you for being such an AMAZING Father...asking you for so much. We need Your Divine protection this week for each and every child & leader that walks out onto your camp. Father I ask that you guide & direct our every word our every step our every thought. Show me what satan doesn't want me to see. Remind me daily how YOU see me. Father give me wisdom to know what is for now and what is for later. Show me how to prepare for the harvest which has been promised to us. I pray for WONDERS SIGNS and MIRACLES this week that are beyond our wildest comprehension. Praying that Every leader will be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19) Father I beg of You to let EVERY word that comes fourth from my mouth be PLEASING to you and let every meditation of my heart be acceptable to You. I pray this all in Your sons holy name & may you receive all GLORY HORNOR & PRAISE!

Melting

2011-05-24T07:55:00.001-04:00

I love having the kids around to talk to and act silly with or just listening to them talk about their dreams, their hopes, their world. The world they are going up in is so much different than the one I grew up in. They are adjusting well and growing rapidly. I know God has great plans for and everyone of them.

The other morning was the first warm (enough) day to wear a dress. As I was loosing my patience as I was loosing the battle in trying to get S(4) ready for school. She was fighting every inch of the way until I brought one of her new dresses out of the closet. She jumped up and started getting undressed because she couldn't WAIT to wear this little sun dress I had picked out for her. I fixed her hair so she could wear it down with just clips in it. As I cleaned the dried tooth paste off her sweet face I couldn't help up smily at this little four year old standing on a step stool beaming at her reflection in the mirror. She said sometime that I hope I never forget. She looked me right in the eyes and said...

"Mommy Tthank you for always making me feel like a Princess. I love you!"

My prayer is that every day she feels like the princess that GOD created her to be. Father, I pray that her self esteem will be rooted and grounded in YOU and what YOU have created her to be. I pray that she will accept Jesus as her Lord and learn to hear YOUR voice at an early age. May her joy continue to overflow as she is filled with the joy that only the Holy Spirit can give. Thank you Father for this gift of your children being in our home. Please help me to grow and change by these experiences.

Obedience vs. Sacrifice

2011-05-17T09:16:00.004-04:00

Recently God has brought back to me a prayer that I prayed. I prayed this prayer with all of my heart probably about 8 years ago.

"Dear God, if you could just tell me if Shawn & I will have a baby one day I will be okay with waiting until your timing is right. If this is a desire in my heart that I need to NOT have I want to release it now to You. But if You know that we are going to have a child then show me so I can wait patiently and protect that desire You have placed in my heart."

A while after I prayed that (I can't remember the exact timing of it but it was awhile after) I had a dream. A dream that was so real and so detailed it made my heartache when I awoke.

In this dream I was in a room it was the middle of the night holding this tiny little baby boy. He was just skin and bones and I was trying my hardest to get him to eat. I was praying over him asking God to strengthen him, to nourish, him to protect him. I was praying for knowledge on knowing how to care for this tiny baby. I wasn't even sure WHO he was. I remember being so nervous not knowing what to do.

I looked up and saw this man standing in the door way "Don't be afraid. I was sent here by God to let you know it is all going to be ok."

I said looking down at this little baby boy and asked the man, "Who is this?"

He said, "This is your son that you have prayed for. He will be a world changer one day...in GOD's time not yours."

I looked back down at the baby and said, "I don't even know how to care for him. I'm not even sure if I know his name."

He said, "God will show you how to care for him. His name is Zechariah David."

I looked back up at where the man was standing and he was gone. As I sat there and rocked him and prayed over him I felt peace instead of anxiousness.

The next morning when I woke up and was thinking about this dream. I was thankful for it but wondered if it was just my mind trying to comfort my soul some how. I didn't tell anyone for a while then when I did my friend Sarah told me to look up what those names meant.

Zechariah: The Lord remembers
David: The Beloved one

For years after that dream I prayed and prayed for us to conceive...which I still do...but God has revealed to me that maybe just maybe this "world changer" may come through adoption. I don't pretend to know what God has planned. I am thankful for His promises and I pray that I will obey His every word instead of displaying my sacrifices.

Why He during this season continues to remind me of this dream that happened 7-8 years ago I'm not quite sure but I felt as though I needed to type it out so I will never forget.

The Artist & The Mermaid

2011-05-16T13:50:00.003-04:00

Last night in evening church they taught on dreams in the elementary class and how God can use our dreams to speak to us just like He did for Joseph and others in the Bible.

On the way home G(8) says kind of quietly..."I have a dream."

I said "you do??? What about?"

He says, "I have a dream of being an artist when I grow up."

This is the first time he has verbalized that he has seen beyond the moment. I have tried talking about this before and he never would answer or say he just wasn't ever going to grow up.

I said, "WOW an artist is soooo cool! You would be great at that! I am going to keep the stuff that you make/color/draw for when you become famous one day."

As I glanced in the back seat he smiled and looked out the window.

Then S(4) announced, "Mom I know what I want to be when I grow up too!"

I said, "You do? What do you want to be when you grow up?"

She VERY PROUDLY proclaims, "I want to be a mermaid!". She pauses to think for a moment..."or may be a BEAR!" she shouts with excitement.

So for now we are fostering a future ARTIST & a Mermaid...or possibly a Bear.

I love the way kids think!

Amazed

2011-05-15T22:22:00.004-04:00

It's been almost 9 weeks and I don't have a long time before I go to bed but just wanted to jot down something...

I am amazed how God continually uses these children to reveal His love to me. Daily. I love teaching them about their CREATOR.

I love the way they love my husband. I love bedtime. I love the stillness before the storm (5:15am - 6:25am) I love their laughter. I love kissing their tears. I love laughing with them. I love seeing them succeed. Even as little as the baby walking up and down the stairs without holding my hand and at the bottom he shouts "I DID IT!"

I love the hugs. I love hearing them sing HE IS ALIVE! HE IS ALIVE! WE ARE FREE!!! I love holding them when they fall asleep on me. But most of all I love KNOWING that no matter what the seeds that God is using me to plant NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE can take way!!! They WILL produce fruit! I know it!

I don't know what my life would be like with them...

I am reminded of a quote by Dr. Seuss...Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Today was a good day...I hope I always remember. God? Did you take pictures for my scrap book up in my "heaven house"?

Tonight as I finish this glass of wine in the peace and quite of my home I am thankful that God is using me faults and all.

I can't help but wonder...

2011-03-28T08:00:00.003-04:00

The past 12 days have been a complete roller coaster. I want to document as much as I can because I know this isn't going to last forever. I remember the anticipation of Shawn & I as we were expecting them at 5 but they didn't show till 6. The dogs were outside with their bones. The house was vacuumed. The beds were made. Dinner was on the stove. We were ready...as we could be.

It made me happy to see Shawn sitting on the front steps as they pulled in the drive. I was scared to walk out the door. We sat down and wrote out questions to ask. Didn't realize that nothing else was going to mattered that evening.

Then the first few minutes after they walked in...showing them around...hearing S(4) answer "I Know!" to everything that I showed her. Watching G(just turned 8 a few days before) flip and flop all over his bed, EXCITED (for the moment) to have his own bed. Then there was little L(1) holding so tightly to the case workers shirt but asking for a banana.

They were so hungry, excited, scared, dirty, sick, ready, misunderstood, sad, covered, lonely, loving, talkitive.

The first night they slept...I slept...Shawn always sleeps...

My # 1 surprise that first night...not EVERY child likes spaghetti

Mile Marker of today...We brushed teeth this morning with out tears.

Fact about parenthood I'm realizing...I need a bigger car & purse...

One of my favorite things...Listening to them laugh!

My prayer for today...Father help each pecious child to learn to trust YOU early on & to remain faithfully commited to Your ways throughout their lives.

I can't help but wonder why God chose us to be blessed by these children. I can't help but wonder how long we will be in their lives.

I know it's only day 12...but I will be sad if/when they leave.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to PROSPER you and NOT TO harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE. Jeremiah 29:11

Thankful for that promise :)

In So Deep

2011-03-24T13:22:00.003-04:00

I love it when God knows what you need before you need it...Don't know why that continues to surprise me. Two Sunday's ago I had someone come up to me and ask if I knew anyone who wanted a free set of bunk beds. I explained to them that we had just been approved to be foster parents. Someone also gave us a toddler bed.

We got a call Thursday March 17...the second one since we were approved. We agreed this time. We are now fostering three children. It's been a week and we are finally starting to find out groove. They are 8(boy)4(girl)& 1 (boy) and working toward reunification with their birth family. I can't post names but may post pictures from time to time..well see...

I've learned so much so far. For now nap time if offically over & I am off to pick up one from school!

Amazed by how my life has changed in one week. Excited to see what the future. Thanking God that everyday is a new adventure.

It Is Finished...well not really...

2011-03-13T15:40:00.007-04:00

It's been a long road filled with many potholes, twists, turns, and even dirt paths. But when I say It Is Finished what my heart knows is This is only the beginning of a new chapter.

Shawn & I were approved to be foster/adoptive parents the beginning of this month. It's scary I have to admit. In doing this I realize I will have no control on when we are called in to action, I will have to be so fervently seeking God's voice, the Holy Spirits prompting, & following Jesus' actions even more now than before. I probably have more reservations than Shawn. My life's work is wrapped around ministering to others.

I don't know how I will do this...emotionally.
I'm not sure if my life will ever be the same since "our" other kids went back home. Don't know how we'll handle it if/when kids come and go from our house.
I don't know how OUR relationship will change.
I'm not sure if I will be able to handle the pressure.

I do know that I/We feel called to do this. Called to give a piece of my heart to those who may never have know God's love.

What I do know that 2 Timothy 4:2 has a WHOLE new meaning to me.

What I do know is that I serve a God who performs miracles and displays HIS power among his people.

What I do know is that His plans for me give me HOPE.

What I do know is that by doing this my tent pegs...OUR tent pegs have been enlarged!! And I WILL NOT be afraid.

What I do know is that God gave me 10 fingers for a reason...

These are the promises that I will come back to on days when I'm not sure how I will get through. I am so thankful for the opportunities He will bring our way.

ON YOUR MARK...GET SET...GO!!!

My Prayer Today...

2011-02-16T14:13:00.004-05:00

Father I ask you totally & absolutely set my heart on fire for you! Ignite my heart with passion that consumes me so great that merely settling or maintaining isn’t fulfilling enough for me. Father I don’t want to just make a living to be ok but I desire to fulfill my passion/calling & make a difference for your Kingdom.

Father I ask you to give me the guts to choose to lead out of CONVICTION of the Holy Spirit rather than the CONVENIENCE of doing what is easy. Help me to ALWAYS do what is right even when it’s not easy.

Father God I ask you to allow me to see people the way YOU sees people. Give me YOUR eyes to see your people. Help me to take “church/world colored glasses” off and begin to see the world the way YOU sees it…Change my view! Comfort my heart as with grace and mercy as I see their pain.

Father thank you for reminding me that I don’t have all the answers and I don't have to have all the answer. Only YOU are God…I am not. It takes a great deal of faith to believe that I can do EXACTLY what you have called me to do. In this time, in this place, for this season. Your words will NOT return void.

Father I ask you to remind me that I am not out to win anyone’s approval but yours! Not everyone has to understand me or like me or be on serve in my area of ministry. Father remind me daily of Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Father continue to give me the courage to PRAY BOLD PRAYERS for me, for my family, for our church! Help me to pray daily sun stand still prayers like Joshua…Father I pray for safety in my family, my home, my church. Father I BEG for things to happen in my life in my family in my church that is UNEXPLAINABLE and UNDENIABLE so that YOU and only YOU can receive ALL the glory ALL the honor and ALL the praise.

Father I ask that You help me to stop trying to be who and what everyone else wants me to be and be who YOU have called me to be…allow this ministry to be a result of responding Your REVELATION and not the IMITATION of others!!!

Enlarge my tent pegs Father...Thank you Father for pruning me, growing in me & for loving me in spite of my shortcomings. I love you so!

2011-01-13T09:19:00.002-05:00

This year holds so many promises. Just like each new day does. I am not exactly sure where to start.

This year has started out a little differently...We still had our same New Years Eve Bash at our house with our friends. My mom was there this time. She has recently retired so she spent the holidays up here with us. We had a white Christmas and a warm New Years. It has been fun reminiscing with her about my childhood...learning about her childhood...planning for a different future than what either one of us expected.

We are now in the second week of January 2011...WOW...tonight I finish up adoption classes. I can't help but wonder what God has in store for us. Honestly I have to admit I am a little scared...The not knowing, the fear of making a wrong move, what seems like never ending anticipation.

You are the God who performs miracles; YOU display your power among the people. Psalm 77:14

I don't usually start out the year anxious (not sure if that's the right word)...but this year I have...I don't particularly care for that...I feel like I don't know how to move forward. As if I have already used up all my Faith & Hope and have seen no change. Do I just need to have more patience? or am I just too scared of failing...If I am just too scared of failing that means I don't have the faith I profess to have. or am I just too selfish to fail for God.

The beginning of the year I am usually filled with HUGE hopes, desires, excitement, and anticipation of what God can and will do in the up coming year. In my, life in my husbands, life in the life of the church. Father forgive me of my selfishness, vain ambition, any foolish thing my heart holds.

As 2010 came to a close I feel the Lord stirred up this verse in my spirit...

Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do NOT hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do NOT be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do NOT fear disgrace; you will NOT be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the *reproach of your widowhood (*the dissatisfaction/disappointment of the things that died to you). Isaiah 54:2-4

2010 was filled with extreme emotion...I don't know if I have ever been more thankful for a year to be over with before in my life. 2011 is filled with anticipation. I know my faith will be tested, strengthen, and blessed. I have a mustard seed of excitement of what is to come. Praying it grows stronger as the days go by. Rooted by the still quiet waters of His presence and surrounded by the quiet whisper of His voice.

I read a new blog this morning and she put it perfectly…
I can’t stop change from coming. I cannot. But I can choose to remember that He holds my ever-changing life in His never-changing hand. –Alece Ronzino

Praying in each new day that I will always remember YOU my loving Father hold me, your daughter's, ever changing life in the hand that has NOT changed since before there was time.

Leaning

2011-01-06T11:36:00.004-05:00

I believe God spoke something to me today. I find it interesting how I when I misread something so many times God chooses to reveal things to me through it.

What was written was "We will always maintain a posture of learning"

What I read was "Always maintain a posture of leaning"

I thought LEANING what does that mean? Why would you maintain a posture of LEANING?? So quickly I felt the Holy Spirit say "Lean back in to God presence and lean forward in faith in to the vision I am creating in you and where I am taking you."

When I thought about the word leaning I was reminded of my dad.

Leaning back into my dad's chest as we sat and watch tv...feeling his warmth.
Leaning back and forth as I danced on my dad's feet around the kitchen...feeling his joy that I was his daughter.
Leaning forward as I jumped off the side of the pool...feeling confident that he was going to catch me.

This year I pray I MAINTAIN a posture of leaning Father into YOU in faith that YOU are my shepherd...willing to do what ever it takes to love me, save me, protect me, grow me.

Leaning...what an amazing position of faith...

Christmas 2010

2010-12-28T10:04:00.003-05:00

Christmas 2010 was different than so many in the past. Well at least the past 6 years. My father past away on December 20 2003. I had just come down on the 18th to spend my sister's birthday with her and for the 1st time in 7 years spend Christmas with MY side of the family. I was so excited. After my dad past away suddenly it kind of changed Christmas for us.

This year I have say my FAVORITE Christmas present God gave me was JOY! I really enjoyed this Christmas season. I baked for the first time since 2003...not a lot but I did it! I listened to Christmas music by myself and didn't cry. I enjoyed shopping, giving gifts, and receiving gifts. My mom was here from Florida and we had friends over and just enjoyed each other. It was also my 1st WHITE Christmas. To wake up Christmas morning with my mom there and for the trees & ground to be covered with snow was just beautiful! I felt like HE did that just for me...to top off my Christmas.

My husband surprised me with a brand new wedding set. White gold like I wanted when we 1st got married. Princess cut like I wanted when we 1st got married. It truly made me feel like a princess.

Thank you Lord for the gift of Joy. The unspeakable Joy that has been lost in my life during this time of year for the past 6 years. The joy that Mary must have had after giving birth to the world changer. You are truly a Father of restoration. I am excited to see where you will have us go in the up coming year. Father I ask that you will comfort those who were unable to have the joy that Christmas brings this holiday season. Please continue to stir our hearts for you.

Christmas Fun!

2010-12-09T09:00:00.001-05:00

Get in to the Christmas Spirit! You will never have Christmas 2010 AGAIN! :)

Merry Christmas!

10~10~10

2010-10-10T06:29:00.002-04:00

What a cool day!!!

What does the number 10 mean in the Bible? Completeness in divine order or completed course of time. There's nothing that is left wanting within the complete cycle the number ten just completed. There are 10 "I AM"'s spoken by Jesus

10-10-10 Happy Full Power Exponential Day!! 10,000,000,000% what ever that means! The Lord is blessing you exponentially today, pray for it, receive it. Praying God rains down His Blessings over you and your family today and for YEARS to come!!!

Be expecting a great day!

Hey Pot...

2010-10-05T09:14:00.006-04:00

Has God ever looked at you and said...Hey POT!! This is Kettle YOU'RE BLACK!!!

Don't you hate it when you get frustrated with something or someone and just when you think you are justified in your frustration and have it all planned out what you are going to say when asked what's wrong...God points out how you do that exact frustrating thing to Him each day but He still chooses to love you.

That's what happened to me last night.

My husband has been struggling with something’s lately and having difficulty expressing those feelings into words. I felt as though I had given him grace and was ready to put my foot down with what he did last night. He chooses a work dinner over going to a prayer meeting at church with me! I know what you’re thinking...he's a sinner!

Well I was ticked when he called and told me that he was going to a dinner meeting for work. So I acted like a "loving mature" wife and told him have fun and hung up the phone on him and ignored his phone calls when he tried to call me back.

Throughout the evening I was trying to figure out why that bothered me so bad. He's gone to dinner meetings all the time. He's missed church functions to go out on dinner meetings with work before. All that I felt were justified...then it hit me. He CHOOSES feeding himself physically over feeding himself spiritually. In my mind he chooses the world over God.

In my self righteousness I was so frustrated and angry how could he do that! LOOK at all God has done for him and he'd choose DINNER with work people over GOD??? That has to be something wrong with him. I admit so many things that went through my mind were extremely hypocritical.

Then God, my sweet & loving Father, so softly reminded me...You do that to me all the time...except "your work" is at a church. So many times you are too busy "doing" instead of just "being". I made you a human being NOT a human doing. How many times have you chosen work over time with me...just TODAY?

Before I worked in the ministry I use to be perfectly content to be a Mary...How, when, why have I changed in to a Martha?

Why have I become worried and distracted by so many things?
Why have do I feel like I am doing all the work?
Why do I wonder if Jesus even really hears me?
Why do I find myself talking AT God instead of listening to Him?
Why am I making excuses for what God's asking me to do?
Why am I still in the kitchen while others are lavishing worship on God?

Those are questions that I need to continually ask myself to make sure I am where I need to be. When you read them...what are your answers?

Father, please forgive me for being too distracted by “my work” to hear or love on you. Father forgive for my self-righteous attitude towards my husband. Thank you for loving whether I am a Martha or a Mary. Thank you Father so gently and lovingly pointing out areas in which you want me to grow & change. Thank you for your grace & mercy. Please help me to show others, especially my husband, that same grace & mercy when I feel hurt or wounded. You are an amazing loving Father & I am so thankful to be called your daughter!

Blessed Assurance

2010-09-23T08:51:00.004-04:00

*This really long post is for me...So I remember and do not forget how BIG how WIDE how GREAT my GOD my FATHER is when HIS promises to me come to pass.

I LOVE old hymns...It reminds me of my grandmother & my mom...my heritage of which I'm so thankful of.

I have been struggling with the fact that I am still at 35 years old not a mom. It is not just from fertility issues, I believe that I have been healed of that, so says my last Drs visit, but also from other issues that are out of my control.

Controlling person??? Definitely NOT how I saw myself...more so if I needed to take control over something I could but I don't HAVE to have control over everything. I know God is in control of my life. Honestly I don't want His seat. Until it came to the whole baby/mom/being fruitful and increasing in number thing…

A few months ago someone said to me that broke my heart, “Maybe you should let go of the dream of being a mom and focus on what else God has in store for you.”

Those words have been floating around in my heart and in my head ever since.

I tried letting go like this woman suggested. I tried holding on tighter in spite of what she said. I’ve wept…I’ve prayed…And finally said...

Leading up to this weekend I'd been praying again asking/begging/pleading God to either release me, complete release, from my desire to be a mom, to have a baby or reassure me of His promises. And that they are truly HIS promises not my imagination or selfish desires.

Sunday morning I walked in to my office between services and there was this lady in there that has been praying for Shawn & I & our children. She kind of makes me uncomfortable sometimes.

#1 because she didn't like me when I first started working at the church she said some really mean & hurtful things to me. But I handled it differently then she had ever been treated before and she ended up liking me and hearing my hearts desire for the ministry here.

#2 because she asks me often if I'm pregnant and I feel bad that she keeps praying and believing but I am still not pregnant.

Well on Sunday she asked me if there was any news on the baby front I said no. She said, with tears in her eyes, “Kara I believe it in my spirit I know you will be pregnant soon. God has shown me time and time again your pregnant belly and your child. Yes you will adopt but you will have a baby.”

To which I responded trying to disguised uncomfortableness “I am believing for a child I know HE will provide in His perfect time.” Which I truly am honestly didn't even think of it as conformation until that afternoon.
I was in such firefighter mode I didn't even think about it again until my IM conversation with one of my friends that after noon. I am so thankful that she is sensitive to His Spirit.

The conversation started with “Would you like to know why God is called Jehovah Rophe?”

To which I responded, “Why?”

She proceeded to tell me of a story of a lady, her pastors wife, who has been married for a while unable to have children so they adopted. She has been on birth control for the past 2 years went off of it in July and just found out last week that she is pregnant.

Jehovah Rophe~ GOD who HEALS

She said “It made me think of you Kara...I want you to know, that God is still in the miracle business and don't give up. I don't know if you needed to hear that right now, but I think He wants you to know that He still holds your dreams in His hands, and that you aren't forgotten. I just think you need to hold onto what you know He's spoken to you and He'll take care of the rest.”

That afternoon as I am driving back to church I was thinking of the two instance of confirmation that day and my humanness say... “God you usually confirm things with me 3 different ways...that’s only two so maybe you don't really mean it. Maybe it's just my selfish desires.”

Yes I know what you’re thinking...I do have a very hard head. It amazes me how easily we allow doubt to creep in.

At staff meeting Tuesday where we were talking about this speaker we had on Sunday. He was one of those speakers that you’re listening along and then realize you don't have a pen and paper & you need one desperately because everything he's saying is about ready to make you jump out of your skin.

I am listening to a cd of Sundays message (this past Sunday's the day of 2 confirmations not 3…or so I thought) and he is talking about God's promises about being the type of person that is following what God is asking you to do because you trust God as your leader. He's putting on a personal level and then extending it to the church then to the body of Christ. Basically confirming EVERYTHING that God had been dealing with me on #1 for me personally #2 to say to the 85 volunteers in our children's ministry at our training meeting & #3 to the church body. (Which I am totally terrified about)

Then as if He hasn't been tugging on my spirit about plea of confirmation or release and what I said about the fact that I only saw two confirmations on Sunday. The speaker ends this message with this last statement...

"Elijah is God's promise.”
“God's word is never late.”
“His promises, what God has promised YOU, is real and ready and is true TODAY.”

Thank you Father for confirmation. I ask You to remove the doubt place in my heart and my mind by well meaning people who don’t realize when they say things that hurt. I ask that You remove any offensive spirit that I might have because of the hurt. Thank You for Your willingness to confirm things in 3 ways for no other reason than You love me. Thank You for the promises of what it says in Psalm 77:14 that YOU are the God who performs miracles that You display your power among the people. I thank You that Your promises are real that You are still the same God that is/was/continue to be in Numbers 23:19 God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill? Thank You for what You do in me. ~Amen

Who Are You?

2010-09-22T09:53:00.002-04:00

I felt I had to repost this...posting just the link for you to go read wasn't enough...you may not go. It's important that you read each and every line. The promises are far better than the lies that we tell ourselves. We are God's child...not the worlds.

You are not your past
You are not your failures
You are not your parents
You are not your sister
You are not your regrets
You are not your sin
You are not your weight
You are not your divorce
You are not your unemployment
You are not the choices someone else made for you
You are not your brokenness
You are not your bitterness
You are not your abuse
You are not your loneliness
You are not your marital status
You are not your tax bracket
You are not your crisis

This is who YOU are:
You are loved

You are forgiven

You are redeemed

You are destined

You are set apart

You are a new creation

You are valued

You are gifted

You are chosen

You are prized

You are reconciled

You are called

You are noticed

You are pursued

You are a child of The King

You are a co-heir with Christ

You are a royal priesthood

You are adored, cherished and treasured by the God of this universe.

When you choose to stop living out who you are not and you start to live in who you are…

It changes everything.

I found this today on RefineUs blog. This is an amazing husband and wife pastor team that have been through a lot and are willing to allow God to work in them as well as through them.

So thankful for their encouraging words.

Just Because

2010-09-15T17:23:00.004-04:00

I love it when my husband answers my calls...

EVEN when he's at work

EVEN when he's with someone

EVEN when he's busy

Just beacuse it's me.

I love it when he does the little things that remind me that next to God I am #1

Crazy Love

2010-09-15T09:01:00.004-04:00

I have been reading a book by Francis Chan called Crazy Love. I continues to amaze me...I am enjoying this book but I have to be honest it's kind of hard for me to get through.

Crazy, Relentless, ALL-POWERFUL Love.

It's hard to take in sometimes. Have you ever felt love like that? Many times, for me, it's about have I allowed God to love me like that or am I attempting to protect myself for the one who loves me more than anyone ever could? I have been brought to this passage of scripture this week John 13:1-17.

It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.

The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." "No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."

"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"

Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you." For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.

When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.”

As I've these verses twice a day for the past few days I am constantly reminded about Matthew 20:28

"just as the Son of Man did not come to BE served, but TO serve, and to give HIS life as a ransom for many."

To me...that's crazy love...

10 Things I learned at the Beach

2010-09-13T20:25:00.000-04:00

I love the beach! Never knew what I had when I lived in Tampa for 21 years or so close to Ocean City for 5. Then we moved to NC which was only 3 hours away from the beach, still with in a short drive. Ohio...if I think about it long enough I honestly think I could have a panic attack because of the lack of an ocean. Don't get me wrong...there are many thinks I like about Ohio. We have 4 REAL LIVE seasons. Grant it winter seems to be the longest.

This year Shawn and I went on our vacation with our friends The Johnson's! We had a BLAST!!! On Monday before we left Hurricane Earl was scheduled to hit North Topsail Beach, NC on Thursday night into Friday morning. That was the day we were heading down there. We started praying! I have been praying for this vacation for over a year there was no way any hurricane was going to steal our joy!

We left on schedule and so Earl. He ended up hitting north of where we were. THANK YOU JESUS!! It was sunny from the day we arrived to the day we left! B-E-A-utiful!!! While we were there enjoying God's wonderful creation I really felt like He was trying to show me somethings a little differently than He normally does.

You see I usually go on vacation with an agenda of what I want to accomplish work wise...you know to get ahead, get inspired, set goals, blah blah blah. Ticks my husband off sometimes. He goes and turns off his phone...I haven't gotten there yet. Although I did leave it in the condo most days when I set out at the beach! BABY STEPS!!! :)

So the whole reason for this post...The 10 things I learned with my butt in the sand!

10. Butterflies are even more beautiful at the beach. They were everywhere this week! I loved it!

9. Sometimes waves are going to knock you down and it's ok to laugh at the fact they did.

8. When you ask God to show you something incredible take time to look away from where your walking to enjoy how magnificent He truly is!

7. Pebbles all over the beach are just as cool as sea shells.

6. 3 year olds bring an amazing view of the beach...you gotta love the "scuobberdivers"

5. Seafood is waaaaaayyyy better at the beach than OHIO!!!!

4. Resting is an important part of any healthy person...even God...what did He do again on the 7th day?? It's ok to do nothing even if you are at the beach.

3. Laughter is essential! Memories are to be cherished. Friends are forever awe-inspiring!

2. My husband loves me more than I know but God loves me more.

1. Go places expecting God to roll out the red carpet for you. Your His son/daughter...He loves to love on you. He WANTS to.

Things were different this year for vacation...I liked it...

~Our New Addition~Our Nephew~

2010-09-11T22:14:00.004-04:00

Josiah Kaleo Mitchell

September 11, 2010

6 pounds 12 ounces 2:13PM

Snuggle Up with Failure...Really?

2010-07-20T08:35:00.004-04:00

Can't believe that I haven't posted since Christmas...Doesn't mean I haven't started 10-20 blogs just haven't posted any. I've had a ton going on but just as my husband says excusses are excusses...might as well say we don't have any peanut butter in the house. Let's just clear the air right now...no baby news so if that's what your hear for than you can stop reading now. :)

How many of you reading this LIKE failure? Me neither...After reading this I am desiring to look at it in a different light. Just wanted to pass on an artical that I read today that I found had a lot of nuggets of wisdom in it. Hope you enjoy! Would love to know your thoughts on this...

Snuggle up with Failure

Christmas Past

2009-12-15T08:36:00.004-05:00

I am an extremely sentimental person. I have confetti from the 1st night that Shawn & I met. I treasure the small things that people do for me. Our Christmas tree has a lot of ornaments on it that were made by a child or by me as a child. I wish I had some from when Shawn was little but I think they did their tree different from how mine was done growing up.

Christmas has always meant so much to me. It was a time of year when we as a family were all together. We went to church on Wednesday for Advent then Christmas Eve then again on Christmas morning, & Sunday. Some years that was 4 times in one week! That was a lot of sitting still for a family with four kids.

I loved the fact that we went to church on Christmas morning. I still miss it...We would get up and open our stockings and eat a sugar coated breakfast...Usually Monkey Bread and orange juice. Get dressed and go to church. The entire service was filled with Christmas Carols and the story that we new by heart. The CHRISTmas Story! As we sat there and celebrated the anticipation of what was still under our tree at home was almost more than this little girl could take.

Once we got home my mom took pictures in front of the Christmas tree and then got changed into our "present opening clothes" while my mom pulled out allllllll kinds of finger food. Some years it was turkey other times it was ham for small roll sandwiches and then there was a ton of other stuff. We never had a big family meal on Christmas just a hours of uninterrupted family time!

We would all get a plate of food and then pick a spot to open our gifts. Then either my brother or I would pass out the gifts to each person. My Dad would pull out the trash bag and his pocket knife so he would be ready. My Mom had worked so hard at making each year a Christmas that we would never forget she wasn't going to miss a minute of anyone opening a gift so we went one by one opening one gift at a time. One year we would start at the oldest and work our way down then the next year we started at the youngest and went up. It made Christmas last FOREVER!!!

We would put our try on our clothes, toys together and play all afternoon. Friends of the family would come over in the afternoon...rarely did we leave the house to go anywhere on Christmas except to Church.

I feel so blessed to have such wonderful memories of Christmas. I am so thankful that my mom made such an effort to bless us not with gifts but with the GIFT. We did receive gifts but I remember her saying as my brother, each year, would try to persadue her to let us open gifts BEFORE church...

"You can't open up your gifts until until we celebrate THE GIFT."

Thanks mom for always showing us what the TRUE meaning of CHRISTmas was!

“And Mary said: ‘My soul glorifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.’”
Luke 1:46&47

Just a little something funny

2009-12-13T16:01:00.002-05:00

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"

Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett

Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Just a little something that made me smile so I thought I'd share. I know I haven't posted anything in awhile...I am still alive...That's a good thing I guess. Praying each and every person out there is having a blessed Christmas season!

He Loves Me

2009-10-26T21:54:00.003-04:00

Didn't ever intend to have this blog be a place to post my Youtube findings. It continues to amaze me how many way God speaks to me. Through His Word, Sometimes through friends, but I love it when He uses music. Just reading words or closing my eyes and picturing what just me & Him. He loves us...a love that is so real so true so indescribable at times.

Take a listen. Have you heard this song before? I can't stop listening to it.

2009-10-24T08:48:00.002-04:00

Lately my posts have been kind of surface. I have had so many emotions running through my body. And honestly not knowing which way is up. Trying desperately just to stay focused Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Honestly barely having time to sit pray soak in God's presence. Not because I don't want to...I desire to...I crave it...but then on the same hand scared to. I wonder why. Like I said I want it, desire it, crave it. So then why in the world wouldn't I do whatever it takes to get it? I am praying for answers.

On the baby front...Shawn & I haven't talked about it since probably June. I keep saying come January we'll make a decision. Only God knows what'll happen. Adoption is never off the table, but the $$$$ to pay for it isn't in the bank either. My ultimate desire is to be a mom. That's what I have always wanted. I KNOW Shawn would make a great Dad too. We'll see...seems for now I have lots of other peoples kids to help care for and I am only getting older by the day.

Good news my Mom came up from Florida for a visit for about 10 days. It was a blast! I miss her. Praying she retires soon and moves up here for at least 6 months out of the year. Wish I had kids so she would feel like she had a "job" to do I think she would.

As I sit here on Saturday sometimes I wonder if my brain ever really does shut off. I mean I am always thinking figuring wondering working. I wonder what it would be like just to sit and not try to do all that stuff. Praying I figure out how to be still physically spiritually mentally and emotionally before God forces me to do it. Also praying for a VERY SUNNY winter up here in NE Ohio! LOL!! Gotta have my priorities straight you know.

Seeking Only YOU!

2009-10-06T08:13:00.003-04:00

This still has to be one of my most FAVORITE songs! Putting it with these pictures just reminds me again just what type of relationship God WANTS to have with us. He wants us there in His lap being able to love on Him but also for us to receive all that love that He has to give us. Just a quick video that I thought I would pass along. Praying it speaks to you as it did to me.

New Fav

2009-09-30T16:09:00.002-04:00

This has nothing to do with anything but last night as I was watching The.Biggest.Loser I saw this commercial that almost made me cry. AT&T doesn't have good service in my area but just for a moment it made me want a phone that helped find lost puppies!

Is there something that you have been sucked into before because of the advertising?

Quiet Moments

2009-09-22T11:32:00.003-04:00

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 2 Kings 19:11 & 12

This has to be one of my favorite stories. I remember one fall morning praying pleading before God for one of my friends who had been trying to get pregnant and was facing her 3rd pregnancy with no baby to bring home. It was the weekend and she was bleeding and "knew" it was a miscarriage. I opened my Bible directly to this story and started reading. Tears welling up inside as God pointed out the similarities between Elijah's story & my friends. So clearly I remember God impressing upon my heart..."in the quietness of her pain is when I will show her how big I (God)really am." He did just that Monday morning when she finally went in to the Dr. to find out if she was going to have to have a D&C instead of seeing an empty ultrasound screen she saw the flickering heartbeat of her baby girl.

This is the devotional today I received from Sarah's Laughter that I wanted to share with you.

One of the heartbreaking aspects of infertility is the deafening silence of our homes. Others may complain of being awakened in the night by the sounds of a baby’s crying, but you could imagine no more beautiful symphony. You long for the day when a child’s laughter peals through the halls of your home and you have to remind playing children to use “inside voices”. The quietness of a childless home is so very loud.

What do you do in those quiet times? Those times when your spouse is not home, the television is not on, and the phone doesn’t ring? You have fought your infertility as hard as you can for so many months and it seems that nothing is working. You’ve tried every remedy you’ve heard about, but it’s not getting you anywhere. You’re still not pregnant. You’ve watched your diet, you’ve taken vitamins and eaten the right foods, you’ve tried every treatment that every doctor has suggested. You’ve followed every suggestion you’ve been given and now you’re just tired. Sometimes you just want to run away and quit. You just wish God would speak to you in this big, booming voice and reveal to you all that you need to know, but the big, booming voice hasn’t appeared. May I suggest to you that you may feel much like the prophet Elijah may have felt one day at Horeb?

Elijah has been through quite an adrenaline filled battle of his own! He has faced down hundreds of prophets of Baal, and challenged them and their false god to a stand-off. Elijah mocked them, scorned them, even accused their god of being asleep or on vacation before praying to our one true and living God and showcasing the glory of God before hundreds of people! After calling fire down from heaven and proving that God was God and Baal was not, Elijah seized and killed all the false prophets right then and there! There was nothing half-way about Elijah! He loved God with amazing zeal, and proved it with his life. But now he was tired. He had given his all in trying to show people that God really was who He said He was, and now there were those who wanted to take his life. Elijah was afraid and hiding. The same guy who just days before was mocking hundreds of false prophets to their faces was now in hiding, asking God to end his life before someone else killed him. The very same God he had so adamantly represented only days before was about to intervene in his life in a powerful-but unexpected way.

God told Elijah to stand on the mountain and what a sight he must have seen! Scripture says “a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord;” The power and presence of the Lord was so mighty that the mountains were literally breaking in pieces before Him! But notice this...but the Lord was not in the wind. I probably would have thought God was in the wind, but no! He wasn’t in the power of the wind!

What happened next? An earthquake shook the very ground Elijah stood on! If you’re from California, perhaps you understand the power it takes to shake the earth itself, but look what Scripture tells us: “but the Lord was not in the earthquake”. Wind strong enough to tear apart mountains, earthquakes? What’s next? Fire! Elijah must have thought he was having a really bad day, especially since Scripture tells us the Lord was not in the fire! Where was God in the midst of all this chaos?

We finally see where God was in 1 Kings 19:12: and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. Elijah finally heard the voice of God in a gentle breeze. Not in a powerful wind or a huge earthquake, but a quiet breeze. In the stillness of the easy breeze that blew across his face, the voice of God came to Elijah and changed him. God talked to Elijah and told him what to do. Elijah’s life was changed because he heard God in the stillness of a quiet moment.

In those still, quiet moments, when it’s just you and God, listen for His voice. You’ve gone through a difficult round of treatment or a hard month when you thought you had finally conceived, only to get another negative test. Now you’re sitting in the silence in your living room and it’s down to you and God. Listen for His voice in this silence. Listen for His voice in the silent moments of your life. Step away from the chaos of infertility, even if only for a few hours, and focus on God. Listen for His voice in the stillness, in the quietness. Take advantage of the silence, even if the silence hurts right now. Tell Him how it hurts and listen for His voice. Perhaps like Elijah, you’ll find Him in the stillness of a gentle blowing.

It's always exciting to see how BIG our God can be if we are just still in His presence.

Last Days

2009-09-21T07:13:00.008-04:00

Today is the LAST day of Summer! Can not believe that this summer is already over. It's crazy how fast the time flies by around here. Not sure if it is the fact that I am in the ministry or if it is because we live in Ohio and winter seems to last AT LEAST 6 months around here.

Going into this summer I knew that God was going to be moving me and shaping me...asking me to step outside of what I was use to and into more of what He has called me to. As if I haven't enough already. I wanted to be a mom & a teacher growing up. Some may look at my life and say I have accomplished anything of what I wanted to do. That would be me some days. There was no desire to me FULL time in the ministry. But God's plans always seem to be so much bigger than mine. Not sure why that fact still amazes me.

Around here summer always starts off with camps. What that meant for me personally was that I was going off of fertility meds. For the safety of the children there was no need to have emotional mood swings if I had no chance of seeing my husband. Shawn was so ready for a break as well.

Anyways back to camps...Jr/Sr High camps were AWESOME! Our Youth Pastor is phenomenal at ushering in God's presence in such a real and tangible way. The kids GOT IT! It was awesome to see God moving and changing their hearts each day during each service. Incredible to watch God's hand at work healing hurts of this fatherless generation. Elementary camp was equally as cool! How amazing it is to be part of a leadership team that is part of teaching these babies in Christ how to worship. To just soak in God's presence. How refreshing...Not to mention it was so much fun to watch several of our youth get their faces made in to pudding pies!

Came home from camp on a Wednesday night prior to the annual 4th of July party at my house and went right back in to finalizing VBS for 150 kids. We actually met our goal this year. We had 180 registered with an average of 145 each evening. My FAVORITE part about VBS is the fact that not only did we preach the gospel to 180 kids but we involved over 80 volunteers each evening! WOW! I LOVE IT WHEN THE CHURCH FAMILY allows God to show up and show off in them!

The rest of July & August was full of regrouping, recouping, restructuring, Revolve Tour with our preteen & teen girls. But also wondering where the summer went. Life is slowly getting back to normal...routine...I feel as if so much has happened on the spiritual front of things by personally and for our church body as a whole. Feeling things shifting and moving. Wondering what God has in store for us next.

Every event this summer was an extraordinary event. God showed up and showed off countless times. As tiring as the summer was at times it was twice as rewarding and I believe that we will be reaping the benefits as we continue to sow into what God has called us to do as long as we allow God to heal our wounds of past hurts and past pains of un met expectations.

All I know is as I step foot into fall I do not want another ordinary season. I come expecting for God to immeasurably more than I can hope for or even imagine...

I woke up singing this song and as I read the words again it is my hearts cry & will be my daily prayer.

Our beloved Father, please come down and meet us
We are waiting for Your touch
Open up the heavens, shower down your presence
We respond to Your great love

We won’t be satisfied with anything ordinary,
We won’t be satisfied at all

Open up the sky, fall down like rain
We don’t want blessings, We want You
Open up the sky, fall down like fire
We don’t want anything but You

Our beloved Jesus, we just wanna see You
In the glory of Your light.
Earthly things don’t matter, They just fade and shatter
When we’re touched by love divine.

We won’t be satisfied with anything ordinary
We won’t be satisfied at all

Open up the sky, fall down like rain
We don’t want blessings, we want You
Open up the sky, fall down like fire
We don’t want anything but You

Here we go, let’s go to the throne
The place that we belong, right into His arms

We won’t be satisfied with anything ordinary,
We won’t be satisfied at all.

BTCS

2009-09-11T07:00:00.003-04:00

Did you know that it takes an average of 13 times of asking someone to come to church with you before they will?

This Sunday is BACK TO CHURCH SUNDAY!!! Don't forget to GO to church and take someone who hasn't been in a while with you!

I am believing that this Sunday will be a life changing Sunday for millions of people around our country. And Praying your church's seat are filled and running over as I am believeing for MY CHURCH!!

Found this video that describes my church!

DON'T STOP ASKING!!!
You never know which time will change their mind.

The Stool

2009-09-09T07:53:00.002-04:00

As I start my morning I was just reminded of a video that our pastor showed a few months ago that I wanted to share with you.

At times I wonder why it is so hard to stay off the stool when you know that is where you are suppose to be?

THE Day...

2009-09-01T08:21:00.005-04:00

Just can't believe that today is already September 1st!!! WOW!! Where has this year gone??

September 1st holds a lot of value around our house.

Not only is it 114 days till Christmas but it is also

THE day that Shawn & I met.

Hard to believe 14 years ago one night change my life...

Together for 14 years has changed both of us tremendously but

There is no one else I'd rather live this journey with!

Shawn...I love you!

Baby Weight

2009-08-11T07:09:00.001-04:00

I went to the gym yesterday! :)

Well last Friday I finally made a decision. I have been holding back for years because of the "What If's". Told not to by friends and some doctors but Friday was the day I choose what to do for myself.

I am tired of not having a baby. I am even more tired of being over weight and not having a baby. Always thought you were suppose to carry around baby weight AFTER you had the baby...Not for me. I have been carrying around the (non) Baby Weight for over 10 years now. From emotional eating to gaining weight because of the meds I have been taking. Personally I am done with it!

I have always thought I was over weight but when I look back at pictures I wonder what a distorted view I must have had of myself. The weight I am now is not the most I have ever weighed but close to it. My goal is to lose 50 lbs by the beginning of December...17 weeks...3 lbs a week. Three pounds a week on the biggest looser would be a disgrace but 3 lbs a week for me with be a VICTORY!!!

On Friday I signed up for a gym membership. I know that is the only way that I will lose weight. Some may be able to do it by just dieting, but I know my body & I need more. I need the exercise. The good news about my membership is it is less than a dollar a day & there is no contract. So WHEN i do get pregnant if there is any complications where I can't work out I will be able to cancel my membership without any penalty.

So as a reward to myself for becoming healthier...I am booking a condo on Madeira Beach for a week next summer. The date we are looking at is more than a year away but I can't wait. I NEED a real vacation! Haven't had one in a while and am looking SO forward to planting my skinny white butt in the sand!

All of that to say WORK OUT DAY 1: Success!!

Treading Water

2009-08-04T19:32:00.003-04:00

The best I can...This summer has been a complete rollar coaster of events.

-The excitement of getting a new puppy the beginning of June.
-The sadness of not being pregnant for our 12th wedding anniversary.
-The excitement of Jr/Sr high camp & then Cadet camp.
-The frustration of coming back to reality of Shawn NOT doing what he said while I was out at camp for two week.
-The saddness in the death of my tomato plants.
-The AWESOMENESS of SonRock Kids Camp VBS!
-The week after VBS finding out that 7 people we pregnant in 7 days.
-Wonderful news that one of my BEST friends (from VA) has found an AWESOME man and the fact that his family lives 30 mins away from me & they were coming for a visit!!!
-Looking forward to vacation and then coming back realizing it was the second worst vacation ever. (for many reasons that I won't go into right now).

Now it's back to reality...I have been off colmid for two CRAZY cycles...still not pregnant. One on my closest friends is due with her 3rd in Nov (I think it will be October). 7 people around me will be having babies this spring.

With FALL staring me in the face I sit here & wonder do I go back to the doctor and start this process of having a baby all over again? Do I take a hint and just give up? or Do we look into adoption?

As I sit here feeling like I am treading water I am ever so great full for friends...My friend Sarah brought me some pictures to go in the "nursery" So as I go in the "nursery" each day I look on the wall and am reminded of

Galatians 6:9 "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest...IF we do not give up!"

2 Chronicles 15:7 "But as for you, be strong and DO NOT give up for your work will be rewarded..."

Jeremiah 32:27 "See, I am the Lord the God of all flesh; is anything too hard for me?"

So I ask you...What is impossible for God?

...Nothing...

Life is Like a Batch of Cookies...

2009-07-27T05:51:00.001-04:00

What do all these things have in common???

flour
baking soda
salt
butter
sugar…white & brown
vanilla extract
eggs
chocolate chips

LIFE

I was watching my friends 2 little girls this weekend while they went out of town for a wedding. They were so much fun. They are 4 & 2 and are expecting a baby sister this fall. Their daddy is going to have his has full when it comes to those teen age years.

They begged me to make a batch of cookies on Saturday night so we did. As we were reading the directions carefully (I am a cook NOT a baker...toooooo many exacts) I let them taste each ingredients as it went in to the bowl. God chose to use something as their reactions to speak to me about where I was in life right now.

Flour was first...the 4 year old said "it doesn't have a taste...it's dry"It got me thinking of how many times in life I feel like I am in such a dry place. Wondering if I am ever going to be refreshed again. Or maybe in a place that is just BLAH.

Baking Soda & Salt...the 4 year old turned up her nose at the baking soda and insisted that salt DOES NOT go in the cookies that her mom makes. Sometimes we don't see the need for events or things that happen in our life but without them our food would be tasteless.

BUTTER!! The 2 year old thought it was the best thing that I let her try butter without bread. The 4 year old smashed it between her finger and said it was smooth and slimy. She also said that butter only taste good with bread not by it's self. What/Who would I be without my husband. He is the one that God has paired me with. He is my strength & I am his helpmate. without him I am just "smooth & slimy".

SUGAR both brown & white. They both LOVED the sugar. They noticed the difference in color, texture & taste. The funny thing is they didn't want to move on from the sugar. They wanted to stay right there and keep eating the sugar. I don't know about you but sometimes I am like that too. When I am in the sweet spot in life I don't want ANYTHING to change around me. I just want to stay there forever but if I don't move on my life won't be complete.

Vanilla Extract...smells good but by it's self the girls found out it doesn't exactly taste like it smells. The four year old also asked why it came in such a small bottle & why did we only add a "little tiny bit"? Sometimes in life things look good on the outside & if you don't mix them with the correct ingredients or if you allow too much of it in it will over take God's goodness and His plans for you.

Eggs...KIDS + EGGS = MESSY. They loved it! Really who in their right mind allows a TWO year old crack their own egg??? Just got me thinking as the egg went all over the place sometimes when God is trying to break us it gets a little messy. Sometimes when life is so over whelming we need to stop and remember one of God's many promises to us. "Come to me, all you who are weary & burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30. Verse 30 came to me right as I was trying to catch the 1/2 broken egg flying all over the table. LOL!

Chocolate Chips...Yup you guessed it the loved those too. Funny thing is we had two different sizes...chunks and mini chips. They reminded me of the sweet goodness of God's truths that we need on a daily basis. Sometimes the nuggets He gives us throughout the day a CHUNKY and not easily missed but other days they are like the mini chips that sometimes you have to search out during you day but they are ALWAYS there.

As we were mixing it together we added the dry ingredients slowly allowing them to each use the hand mixer and shake a little dry stuff in with the wet the two year old bumped the dry bowl and it spilled some. I scooped what I could back in to the bowl and kept mixing until it was ready to scoop. Everything looked great but when the batter started to bake I noticed something...the cookies were spreading out like thin pancakes. I took the dough out and started really looking at it trying to figure out what I missed. Then it hit me...after cleaning up the mess of the spill I forgot to finish adding the dry ingredients. While it may have appeared as if the dough was complete it wasn't there was still more to add. I finished mixing everything & the rest of the batches turned out perfect!

I love it when God speaks so clearly that there is NO mistaking it was HIM.

Forgive me Father when there are ingredients that You give me that I see no use for or don't think I need it or don't want it. I thank & praise You Father for all the ingredients in my life.

My Morning...

2009-07-25T22:11:00.003-04:00

Couldn't wait for this weekend. My friend Sarah came for a visit and brought her new wonderfully awesome boyfriend Andrew. I am so glad I got to spend sometime with both of them. Shawn had a company picnic that he had to go to and I stayed home with one of my friends two girls that I had this weekend so they could go to an out of town wedding. BOY was my morning fun...

As Sarah & Andrew came in the girls (ages 2&4) woke up. I brought them out to the kitchen table so Harley wouldn't jump on them and give them a little time to wake up. So I go back to finishing up breakfast. I notice that the 4 year old is sitting with her legs wide open and I tell her to sit like a lady and close her legs. Well I went to move her back and I see POOP smear across the table. The smart person that I am I say, "What is that??" The aroma quickly fills the air and I quickly grab her and take her to the tub. Sarah, thankfully, jumps up and starts cleaning the table, while Andrew was sitting there I KNOW thinking, "THE KID JUST POOPED ON THE TABLE and I am suppose to EAT HERE?????????"

We get everyone & thing cleaned up and we finally sit down for breakfast. I made eggs with sausage, fresh cantaloupe & bacon. I was sitting next to the 2 year old and she was pounding the bacon. She had 3 pieces and wanted a 4th but I thought it would be a great idea for her to eat a little egg first. I have made her eggs in the past and she has loved them...well apparently this time she didn't like the texture of the eggs and sausage mixed together and she throw up everything that she had eaten this morning. Thankfully most was covered by my napkin and all landed in the plate. I got up and cleaned her up and fixed her a bowl of Life cereal.

Sarah looked up at Andrew and said..."How many kids did you say you wanted again?"

Thankfully Sarah & Andrew STAYED till about 2. We all swam and thankfully lunch was pretty uneventful.

PS...Sarah you have quite a catch on your hands...I love him! I am so excited for you! :)

Swim Time

2009-07-06T07:27:00.000-04:00

Hoping everyone out there had a fabulous Fourth of July and that you have a great rest of July as well. As for us...our pool is open so we had somewhere around 30 people at our house for the fourth. More food than we could possibly eat. The laughs and great memories were overflowing as well. We had such a great time!

Thankfully our swim time wasn't anything like the swim time at camp...take a look!

Yes that is our Youth Pastor & another one of our youth leaders. God has richly blessed us with an amazing Youth Pastor & leadership team. Please join with me in praying protection over their lives, their families, peace in their minds bodies & souls. Pray for great ideas to continue to come forth to reach this generation of leaders!

More camp memories to come...

Summer Camp

2009-06-29T14:59:00.004-04:00

Just in my office for a few but I wanted to jot down a few things before I head back out again. Finished up with probably the BEST Jr/Sr High camp EVER!!! I only have one word to describe it right now AMAZING. I can't wait to sit down and be able to blog about it because I don't want to ever forget how truly amazing it was. Here is just one picture of how much fun these kids had.

I have a little work I need to finish up for this week and then I am back off to Elementary Camp that started this week. Praying all who read this blog are having a blessed summer.

Choices...

2009-06-11T10:35:00.003-04:00

Ahhhh it's Friday! My day off...It feels like the first day I've had off in FOREVER! It's just that the days are so jammed full these days it is nice to be able to sit and enjoy.

Summer time has to be hands down my busiest season. Which I kind of don't like because that's when everyone wants to hang out & be outside but I'm so crazy busy its hard to enjoy it. We have 2 camps & VBS coming up. So we have a planning meetings, fund raisers, parent meeting, brainstorming meetings. All kinds of stuff. Crazy!

Saw this video on another blog that I love to read. I walked around singing this for the rest of the day. I am in such a busy season right now working with so many people things can sometimes be unsettling. Stepping out in leadership can be difficult at times. Having to put my faith in God that He has placed the right people in front of me at the right times and that He has given me the wisdom to read their gifts & abilities correctly to place them in a spot where they will thrive yet grow. But even when/if they fail, because EVERYONE is human, I can still hold my head up and say no matter what God I will bless your name.

There are so many other areas in my life that I let the eroding waters of sin in my heart at times. Whether it is if we will ever have a baby, or if it is a negative spirit towards my husband, or leadership in the church. All of those things can be stopped by just one thing...Worshiping God. The maker, creator, perfecter of my faith! Blessed be YOUR name! Today (and everyday hopefully) I pray that my heart will choose to say BLESSED BE YOUR NAME!

Describe Him

2009-06-09T09:38:00.004-04:00

The past week has been full of tremendous blessing for us. I am tired and crazy busy @work so I can't post all about it now. This past Sunday we received another confirmation that God has promised us a child and he is coming and that we need to stand firm on the promises that God has given us. I will post on that more later as well as some more beautiful puppy pictures! Harley is a cutie even if I do say so myself! But for now...

Saw this today and wanted to share it. When I saw this I started wondering...

How do you describe God?

Our 1st Harley!

2009-06-06T05:02:00.002-04:00

It has been a busy week this week. Not only at work, with VBS & camps coming up but with our personal life. We've had lots of exciting changes come about.

After waiting 12 years to FINALLY get something new...THANKFUL and BLESSED for what we have...we were able to get a new living room couch, chair & ottoman. SO EXCITED!!! It smells so good in our house! I LOVE IT!!!

The house we live in now we put all our old living room stuff down stairs in the basement in hopes that we would get sometime new for upstairs. We finally did! I have found many things that I liked but not matching BOTH criteria...price & quality. Well this Memorial Day weekend...we got it! This isn't our living room but I had to show you a picture! I just save the picture from the store and posted it. I can't see to find my camera right now.

Our other new addition this week was our 1st Harley! Not a two wheeled on but a four legged one. We brought Harley home last night. She did fairly well for her 1st night at her new home. After an early morning jaunt out to pee everyone is now sound asleep back in bed except me. Yes you read that right. One husband & 2 labs in bed with me...MAN do I need a King size bed or WHAT??!!

Thank you Lord for all the blessings bestowed on us this week! Thank your for your endless love and grace. Help us to continue to grow and be good stewards of the blessings you have given us.

I guess I should try to catch some shut eye too before her breakfast bell rings. Here is a cute picture I took of her last night. Isn't she CUTE???

Exactally How Big Is Immeasurably?

2009-06-02T07:37:00.005-04:00

Ephesians 3:20...

It seems like everywhere I turn lately it's there. I'll open my Bible and it's there...I'll read different devotionals and it's there...

This verse has been running through my head over and over again day & night. Literally I have woke up in the middle of the night thinking of it. In Psalms 1:2 it says But his delight is in the law of the Lord & on his law he meditates day & night. I didn't realize He was going to make me actually meditate day and night on Ephesians 3:20! :)

Websters Dictionary defines immeasurably as: incapable of being measured ; indefinitely extensive. WOW! That's pretty big. Pretty much incomprehensible.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us… Ephesians 3:20 NIV

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us… Ephesians 3:20 The Message

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think… Ephesians 3:20 New Living Translation

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us…Ephesians 3:20 American Standard Version

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us… Ephesians 3:20 Today's New International Version

All this makes me wonder what God is up to. I know that one day (hopefully in the near future) I will look back and have an AH-HA moment and say "I understand now!"

Crazy to think that... In me There is strength to move a mountain In me There is faith to walk on water In me If I just believe The Way and the Truth and the Life is in me. (In Me Rebecca St. James)

What do you see?

2009-05-29T05:57:00.001-04:00

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see a masterpiece? It's hard to do sometimes. To see youself the way God sees you. There is so much more I could say but I don't say it like the Skit Guys. I love them!

Mirror Mirror on the wall I'M God's Masterpiece after all!

My Sister

2009-05-28T22:10:00.005-04:00

I LOVE MY SISTER!

I received a present in the mail today from my sister. Which if you know her that is not uncommon. She is one of the most giving people that I know. Usually it is something random that I had mentioned on the phone. Or sometimes it is a ton of makeup that she didn't like from the free samples. Sometimes, it's hair crack!! (Talk about that another day)One time it was a CHI!! So excited! I could straighten my hair.

Today when I opened my package I cried. I pulled out the sweetest card.

It said, "Sister, Just thinking of all the ways my world is a better place because you're my sister. Happy (belated) Mother's Day!" Then she wrote; Dear Kara, Who have always been a Mother, You just haven't been sent your babies yet."

And my brother in law wrote, "Your Mom needs a normal grand kid. So let's speed up the action and spit one out. Love Uncle to be DW"

Inside was a key that said Believe, 64 inspirational quotes, and an digital EPT test.

I love it when God uses people to wrap His arms around you...

Coming Soon!

2009-05-27T10:09:00.009-04:00

We went last night and picked out our new addition to our family! Her name will be Harley or Bailey. We are going to wait to get her home before we choose a name. She is very uniquely marked. Light yellow all over expect for her back feet and the tips of her ears. She has blue eyes right now. Hopefully they will stay!

We should be bringing her home the beginning of the 2nd week in June. Just in time for me to go to camp for two weeks, VBS, then a conference! Shawn has his work cut out for him...but he is the one that keeps insisting.

Here is a picture from last visit with her.

Sorry I haven't really learned how to line up all the picture right...all the time.

Memorial Day

2009-05-26T22:02:00.009-04:00

Had a BLAST this Memorial Day! The pool is open...the weather was great but we packed up and headed to North Carolina to visit friends.

We traveled with our Ohio friends The Johnson's to North Carolina. Something we have never done before was traveling that far with a two year old. I have to say...Company was awesome! I haven't laughed that hard or that much in FOREVER!!! Travels were safe! Church was UNBELIEVEABLE!

Shawn & Troy were nice enough to allow us to completely crash at their house! Man do we miss them! We always love seeing them. They are the type of friends that you wish you could take them with you every where you move.

We arrived there about 10 on Friday night then got up and went to Smithfield the next day for a little shopping. Came home and cooked out and went swimming. You know you can do that in NC. The water is warmer than 50 degrees.

Sunday was church day. It was like walking in to a huge family reunion! We had a blast! Pastor's sermon was right on and P&W was so refreshing. We miss our NC family so much it hurts every time we leave. We even were able to meet with Pastor Richard for coffee on Monday. It was nice to catch up with him.

I leave you with my favorite picture from he weekend...I have more and even made them into a slide show but I can't get it to post.

Just imagine driving down the road and reading a sign that says...

PORN BURNS...STAY COOL!

That Time of Year...Already???

2009-05-19T10:33:00.004-04:00

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

HOLY COW!!! Can you believe that Vacation Bible School is only 8 weeks away! WOW!!! How did it get here so quickly! I am so excited! Summer has ALWAYS been my favorite time of year ever since I was little. Now... it no longer means a little R&R...resting and relaxing and recuperating...It now means 2 weeks of Camp 1 week of Vacation Bible School and weeks upon weeks of P&P... PRAYER &PREPARATION! And this year we are not only taking kids to camp we are theme for Vacation Bible School is CAMP! So even the preschoolers will get to experience some form of camp! It is going to be so much fun!!!!!

This is where YOU come in to play!

Will you commit to praying for our VBS & Camps!

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-8

Camp & VBS Preparation:
• Order and structure in preparing curriculum and classrooms
• Favor in receiving supplies and donations
• Responsible, Spirit-filled adults to volunteer

Prepare volunteers:
• To minister to the children and their families
• To be patient, to show kindness and love, to use wisdom
• To cooperate and to be courteous to church staff, VBS & Camp Directors, and other volunteers

Prepare the VBS & Camp children:
• To be excited about participating
• To be good listeners and to be respectful
• To learn their memory verses
• To receive Christ as their Savior
• To take the love of Jesus home to their families

Prepare parents and guardians:
• To send their children to our fun filled summer events
• To participate in their children’s experience.
• To be punctual in dropping off and picking up their children.
• To attend all the final programs
• To witness and experience the love of Christ

Summer Events Conclusion:
• Salvation of children and their families
• Families to find a home church
• Growth in families’ relationships with Christ and each other
• Rest for all church staff and volunteers

One think I love about blogs is that no matter where you live...no matter what church you attend...if we are willing to allow God to use us we can lift each others needs and desires up in prayer. For without prayers...For without remaining in HIM...we are nothing...No fruit will come of our labors.

Weekend Events

2009-05-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday I realized I was on day 28 and if I didn't get into the Dr today than I was going to have to wait till next Thursday which may be too late to get my WONDERFUL colmid. So I called and made and appointment.

Day 28 no spotting and temperature was still up! The Dr. even seems to be optimistic. I was attempting not to let my self get too excited. He told me not to take a test until day 12 DPO. That would be Friday...I could wait one day. I figured I'll wait...for some reason my body likes to start on Friday's. Likes to play with my weekend like that! So I made a deal with my self if my temperature was still up on Saturday morning (day 30) than I would take a test. I woke up at freaking 5AM on Saturday took my temperature and sure enough it was still at 98.6. Laid in bed until my bladder was going to bust got up and took the test and went back to bed.

I tried to talk my self in to actually going back to sleep. If your pregnant you will still be pregnant in 3 more hours. If your not nothing is going to change there either. I laid there for what I thought was at least an hour of two (more like 30 mins) got up and went and checked the test and it was negative again...I KNEW I wasn't going back to sleep then so I got up and took Sadie on an almost 2 hour walk. It was a beautiful Saturday morning. I am really beginning to enjoy my walks with Sadie. She is such a good dog.

Saturday went well. We opened the pool, which at this point in time is a beautiful greenish color. Then we went across the street to a 2 year old BD party where I do believe pregnant women came from far and wide just to be there! Everyone talking about when they are going to start trying again.

Then Sunday, where my job as a Children's Pastor is difficult emotionally for me at times. Helping parents from all walks of life and stages of life is hard when once again I'm not sure if my day will come to hold my own. This Sunday I had three different people come up to me for different reasons 3 different people come up to me... The first saying I was praying for you this week...it's your month your next! While yet another saying I think my 16 year old son may have gotten his girlfriend pregnant...Yet still another said Your just not trying hard enough to have a baby...must not be doing something right.

Needless to say Sunday was a difficult day, but with God's strength and grace I was able to make it through. But after working a 12 hour day on the way home I turned off the radio and allowed my self to cry. My wonderful husband had cleaned the kitchen just so when I got home there was no excuse for me not to climb into bed and cuddle with him! That felt like God hugging me. God knew exactly what I needed and who I needed it from most. For anyone who knows my husband knows that he is not a cuddler and thankfully my love language is not physical touch.

Then to start my week off JUST perfectly my friend Sarah post this on her facebook...it is TOOO funny NOT to share. I wonder if this is what it will be like when Shawn & I have our baby!

God of Wonders!

2009-05-14T07:27:00.003-04:00

For by Christ all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Christ and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things

hold together. Colossians 1:16&17

I heard an interesting message this morning that I wanted to share. There have been times throughout my entire life when I wonder HOW I am going to make it through something. How am I going to survive or get on the other side of something where I dont' think of it day in and day out...to move on and not let the negative over come the positive. I learned this morning that it's Laminin that actually holds me together. Watch this and you will see what I mean.

Don't forget to mute the side bar music before you play.

Thank you Father for creating every single miraculous detail of our being to worship and honor YOU! Thank you for allowing the cross to hold me together physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Thank you that YOU alone are God, My King, My Daddy...

No Rain...Yet

2009-05-11T23:59:00.003-04:00

Came to the realization the other day that it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. Yes I knew that for sometime but it really hit me as we finished the "baby's room" the other day...Mother's Day...

This home improvement project has been one of the most emotional projects that I have ever done. This past New Year's Shawn told me he felt like we needed to begin preparing the baby's room. I couldn't believe how hard it was for me to agree to begin this project. Thankfully we have a few friends that have been extremely persistent about encouraging us with this undertaking.

When we moved into this house a few years ago this was the 1st thing that I wanted to change. Then I realized it was going to have to go on the back burner because it involved much more time than we had.

I apologize in advance if this offends anybody...but this is MY blog and if you have a problem with it...don't read it! It was PINK FLOWER WALLPAPER!! WHAT were they thinking??? Then after we FINALLY got all the wall paper down I realized something...our house had at one point in time our house had been invested with SMURFS!!! Ridiculous blue! To be honest I liked the blue better than the freaking pink flowers!

The room is finally done...it went from Smurf infested to a beautiful "Haystack" color above the chair rail and "Mountain Ridge" below the chair rail. In Crayola colors that is a light yellow & a beautiful brown.

One of our friends gave us a crib before Eli was born and they wanted us to keep it for our baby. When "the kids" moved back home with their mother the crib stayed with us and has been in the basement ever since. This weekend, as we finished the room, the last piece of furniture that went in was the crib.
You can see the ipod in the crib...We have Praise & Worship music playing 24/7. Hopefully I don't have to wait till I'm 600 years old for MY rain to come! :)

As I come to the end of my 2 week wait, I'm prayerfully hopeful that this crib will be filled with in the next year. I ask that God will give me the emotional strength to enter that room each day to pray for our child.

Do you remember my New Year's Resolution?? That's how I felt this weekend...a little crazy!

You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. Psalm 77:14

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20&21

God YOU are my rock. God YOU are my refuge. God YOU are my strength. Father please hide me when the pressures of life overwhelm my heart. When my heart is weighed down with the burdens of life come my way and the answers aren't always easy to see, I cry out to you Lord MY rock, your very present help in time of trouble, You are the author and perfecter of my faith.

It's HOT in here!

2009-05-08T08:25:00.004-04:00

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Daniel 3:17-18

I've been hot before but never this hot! This past week God has laid on my heart many different ways to read up on Daniel's three buddies...You know Shady Mady and Bennie? It continues to amaze me that all three had the faith to stand up and say "I don't know what God is doing BUT I know HE has my best interest at heart."

Try to imagine standing there looking into your own fiery pit and having someone say to you "IF you don't do what I say you will be thrown in there." Can you feel the heat? I can. There are so many times in my life when I can feel the heat of the fire or hear the roar of the lions. I feel it sometimes when I am looking at my own issues of trust. Whether it's IF, my husband, or my job...wondering "God do you REALLY know what you are doing?"

Am I REALLY ready to jump in to the blazing furnace with both feet? or am I hanging on to the edge with both hands saying, "Let me think about this!"

My desire is to be like Daniel & his friends...Whether it be a lion's den or a fire pit. God I KNOW I am in your hands. In saying that this is NOT an invitation for evil to throw Lions or Fiery Pits at me it is a declaration of knowing that even if God doesn't change my circumstances I serve a God who is MIGHT TO SAVE!!!

What is something that you have had to stand on the edge of the blazing fire pit and feel the heat from and just trust God with?

LOUD Music!

2009-05-04T13:58:00.003-04:00

Have you ever had one of those days when you can feel the JUNK of life moving in on you? Ever had a time when you had to CHOOSE to trust God like you NEVER have before? or He is asking you to OBEY him like he never has before? I had that feeling this morning. Want to know what I did? I turned the music up as loud as it could go in my car and PRAISED Him all the way to work. Singing so loud that the people in the car next to me on the interstate probably heard me! Wonder if He sends extra angles down to guide my car when I start doing that. Sometimes I can feel a exhale around me when I put the car in park at my work!

What do you do when you feel life's JUNK moving in on you?

Needing to Soak

2009-05-03T07:23:00.001-04:00

I need to soak...

not because I have been painting the same room for the past 2 weeks and have paint all over me...although I did...not because I have been working out in the yard pulling weeds and cutting down bushes trying to get the yard ready for spring/summer...although I did...not because I have taken Sadie on a long walk in the woods by our house, which is one of my all time favorite things to do...although I have.

I need to soak in God's presence...Doing what I do for a living sometimes its hard to take time to find the presence of God. I know sounds weird huh?? Working at a church and find it hard to find God? It certainly isn't for a lack of SEEING God. WOW!! I have the opportunity to see God work on a daily basis just because I believe He is still working and moving in this world today! My problem is that there are times when I am too busy serving and have no time to find God's presence the way that I am use to doing. For me...that is one of the BIGGEST things that God showed me in Rocky Mount...I had access to HIM. One of the biggest ways was through praise and worship.

Sometimes I feel like a frantic child in the middle of a store who can't find their Daddy and the business of the store keeps going on around and no one is seeing my panic. Ever had one of those dreams where you can yell but needed too? That would be how this child must feel. Or there are other times when I feel like I am too hurt or wounded to even turn around to lift my arms up to Him. It's like I don't understand the pain...all I know is that I'm lost and hurt.

I know my life's story has not been totally revealed yet? All I see right now is that I don't have have my heart has desired since the time I was a child. Sometimes it's hard to remember, I can't see the entire description of my life yet! There’s simply not enough room in my heart or mind to contain all that MY Father has planned for me. I pray that one day, as my Father chooses to show me His plan for my life in His perfect timing, the story will make sense. Until then I am comforted by the fact that I can soak in His presence...

"I wanna sit at your feet drink from the cup in your hand. Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming" Kari Jobe, The More I seek You.

Thankful...

2009-04-29T08:42:00.006-04:00

Last evening I received this email from my brother who lives in Costa Rica. It read...

We were going to Playa Ventannas and passed the entrance, so I went to the next commercial center turned around and came back. I went to turn left, to enter the beach and some guy behind me went to pass and clipped the back end of our car, spun us around and we rolled the car three times. Its a miracle we walked away with only some bumps, bruises and scratches. We have a rental for now and the car was taken to San Isidro to the body shop. In the end, its only a car and we are OK. Hope to see everyone soon. -KC

A few things that he doesn't state in the email is...The driver's side roof collapsed all the away to the head rest. Keith was driving but not wearing his seat belt. When the car finished rolling he was standing where the driver's side window should have been. I am thinking in this case it was probably good Keith didn't have his seat belt on. He would have been strapped in and unable to move to land on his feet and possibly would have been crushed. Becky, who was wearing her seat belt, walked away with a scratch and a bruised elbow. Kian was with Becky's parents so he was safe. He now believes that God has a purpose for his life and he better live up to it. As he say...In the end its only a car...

Thank you Father for saving my big brother. I don't want to imagine life with out him right now. Here are a few pictures of his truck.

Grace & Love

2009-04-28T08:18:00.001-04:00

I was just speaking of God's grace this morning and how amazing it is to be loved so unconditionally.

God has shown me a great deal throughout that past couple days of how difficult it is for us to extend that kind of love and grace to each other. Although that is exactly what we are called to do. I as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, am called to be a face to God's love and grace to those whom He places in my path.

I don't do it effectively enough at times but am constantly striving to understand HIS love and grace so I can be more like Him!

*before playing this video please mute the side bar music*

Watch the video again...and ask God to show you...

What sign would I be holding?

"Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord." Hebrews 1:2

FINALLY!!!

2009-04-23T07:16:00.000-04:00

GOD IS GOOD!!! You will never believe it! It has finally happened!!! I can't wait to share this news with you!

I GET TO WEAR SHORTS THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!

Friday: partly cloudy. Much warmer with highs around 80. South winds 15 to 20mph.
Friday Night: partly cloudy. Not as cool with lows in the upper 50s.
Saturday: mostly sunny. Highs in the lower 80s. Southwest winds 15 to 20 mph.
Saturday Night: mostly clear. Lows in the mid 50s.
Sunday: mostly sunny in the morning, then becoming partly cloudy. Highs in the upper 70s.

DID YOU SEE THAT????? We FINALLY after 7 LONG COLD CLOUDY months will be able to wear shorts, open the windows, grill!!!! We'll be opening the pool and putting out the diving board soon!!! So come on over to GREAT North East Ohio for a swim!

I have to say Ohio summers are the best! It's coming I know it! I see God's promises everywhere I look!!!

All this excitement makes me wonder...
What's your favorite season where you live?

Faith NOW

2009-04-22T07:26:00.001-04:00

Did you realize that the word FAITH is used 256 in the Bible. That's not including the ones that talk about about being faithful or faithfulness. All combined there are 422. I never knew that.

This week God has really been speaking to me about faith and hope every where I turn. From the message on Sunday to a few blogs that I read. He has continued to till away at that soil in my heart. As Christians Faith is something that we stand firm on. Right? Why is it that sometimes what seems so simple is so hard to do. That NO MATTER what's happening or where I am I stand firm in my Faith in you God. Because YOU, the King of Kings have promised me, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 He has clearly defined to us what FAITH is. My favorite example to use with kids when they start questioning God is to take them outside and have them feel the wind on their face. The conversation usually goes something like this...

"Did you feel that?"

"yeah I felt it"

"What was it?"

usually with a crazy look "it was the WIND Ms. Kara"

"I didn't see any wind? Are you SURE it was the wind? Wind can't exist...I can't see it?"

"i know it is there because I felt it"

"EXACTLY! We may not always be able to hear God but we can feel God. Does the wind not exist because we can't see it? NO we felt it and know it exists."

To a child all they need is to know that things exist with out seeing and they believe! If we could all enter in with such childlike faith. There are so many things that we are believing in faith and hoping for and earnestly seeking God for. There are times when He is quite...Does He not exist because He doesn't answer when we ask? No that's not the case.

One day when I look at God face to face I hope He doesn't say, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?..." Matthew 8:26 Instead when I look Him and see my reflection in His eyes hearts desire is that He will say"...Well done, good and faithful servant!..." Matthew 25:21

What I have (re)learned this week is that what God has in store for us could be so much different and better than what we could have ever hoped for or dreamed of. But no matter what my faith, my hope, my praise MUST without a doubt stand firm in HIM!

Yesterday I read...“Hope is hearing the music of the future; faith is dancing to it today,” ~ William Frey.

When is it hardest for you to stand firm on your faith?

Spring has Sprung!

2009-04-20T10:40:00.006-04:00

I decided to work from home today. I needed a break from the emotional roller coaster I feel like hasn't stopped in a while. Knowing Shawn would leave for work early I would have the entire day with just Sadie & I, thought I should take advantage of a day like this and work from my bed. There are still a TON of things that need to be done around the house that I will hopefully get to today, but as I sit here in bed with my third cup of coffee listening to the gentle rain outside I am reassured that Spring has Sprung.

When I think of Spring...I think of the restoration of new life of things that were once dead...And the birth of new life that has yet to enter this world. Ever since moving to Ohio I get so excited about my tulips popping out from the ground each spring. The anticipation of the pool cover coming off and the official 1st day of pool/grilling season!

The new life entering the world I see so clearly in Shawn does...Shawn works with farmers so I get excited about all the baby animals being born in the spring. One year I was able to feed a calf! And when the grower & Shawn had their backs turned I took the bottle out of her mouth and felt her lips and teeth buds and tongue!!! I know I'm weird but it was COOL!!! This year I am hoping to see a piglet and a lamb. Apparently we are going mushroom hunting one Saturday morning. Don't worry these aren't the kind you smoke! In just a few weeks we are going to pick out our new "baby". One of Shawn's growers has a yellow lab that is about ready to have puppies. They said we can have first pick! Sadie needs a playmate. At least that's what we are blaming the craziness of having two labs on.

Yesterday I played my harp at church for the first time in years. I LOVED IT!! I loved it with every ounce of my being! I was finally able to worship God with my music. It was only by His doing that I didn't throw up in front of everyone. I caught myself second service with my eyes closed just playing away! WORSHIPING! I could feel my soul saying AHHHHHHHHH...

This Spring I can't help but feel the tilling of the ground that God is doing in my heart. When I rest in Him I feel the work He's doing in me. I need the refreshing breeze of God's breath on my heart...my life. I need the sometimes painful tilling of my heart. I need the gentle rain of the tears of my spirit pooling up in God's hands. I need YOU Lord!

Winter seems to last forever here in Ohio. While there is some beauty in winter I wish it only lasted until January. That's kind of how I've felt here for a while. That I was stuck in my winter...in my dying state..in my desert...in my aloneness. But for the past month as much as I have tried to ignore it I feel God tilling away...plowing away in my heart. He has been planting new seeds, restoring and refreshing old plants, dreams and desires. He is moving me to a new harvest.

So now it is my time to arise from my winter...to leave my desert...where I have laid, wept, and prayed. Change my clothes, wash myself off in His presence and His glory and do something that has be difficult for me to do since leaving Rocky Mount...WORSHIP! I can dance and sing a new song of praise to my heavenly Father!

Spring has Sprung...What do you love best about Spring?

It's FRIDAY!

2009-04-17T08:14:00.006-04:00

I'm not sure if I have ever been so happy to see Friday get here. With the passing of our first "baby" this week, the beginning of yet another cycle, and yet one more Dr.'s appointment it's nice to know it's FRIDAY! Saturday is coming...A day to rest reorganize and be restored. At least I hope that is what tomorrow brings.

As for my Dr's appointment. I waited almost an hour for a 3 minute conversation that consisted of Yep you defiantly ovulated and Yep you defiantly aren't pregnant this month but I don't see why you shouldn't be pregnant with in the next two cycles. I am praying he is right. I still haven't talked to Shawn about my appointment as of yet. Not sure if he is going to want to continue trying or if I have the emotional capability to to keep this going for two more months. Just praying that God will bring peace to whatever decision we go with.

Great news though...My tulips are getting tall by the day. Sadie had a great day at the doggie spa yesterday, and she is still in bed asleep next to me. She's such a good dog! It's going to be 70 degrees tomorrow! That means Spring is really here. And I get to clean this morning and have tomorrow off from both work and home! YEAH!!!

Enjoy your weekend! I know I will!!!

I Wish Someone Would Tell Me...

2009-04-15T08:12:00.000-04:00

I have learned a lot this month by charting my temperatures. It is interesting to actually see it on paper. I have learned that I don't even come close to ovulating on the 14 day...it looks like I might even just ovulate twice in a month...I've learned that Drs can be wrong...all those years when I was told by one Dr not to take my basal body temperature because it was "barbaric" to tell if you were ovulating that taking my blood worked better was wrong...I've learned that my 6 month window of becoming pregnant after the surgery that I had in December is one month closer to coming to an end...I've learned that my husband is seriously struggling with this infertility issue.

What I wish someone could tell me is when to let go of my dream of being a mom? Is laying my dream daily down on the alter giving up? When is enough enough? When is my dream dead?

It's easier to a degree with My Dad, My Friend, My Dog...Letting them go was HARD oh so HARD. But I knew that #1 there were in a better place and were no longer ever going to be in pain or have to struggle again. #2 their physical death was the definite beginning of the letting go precess. It's hard to realize sometimes when your dreams die.

Do I still want to be a mom??? YES!!! I want to have Shawn's baby with ever ounce of my being. Until someone tells me I can't. But I often wonder if I should be letting go of this dream and moving forward into something else. I often wonder if that dream that I had in Rocky Mount about our son was just that only a dream.

My God is a God who performs miracles. Maybe having Shawn's baby isn't the miracle He wants to perform in me. He knows that plans that He has for me...He said He wants to prosper me and not to harm me...maybe having Shawn's baby would harm me. He said that He would grant me abundant prosperity in the fruit of my womb. Maybe that wasn't in baby form...What I'm trying to say is I DON'T DOUBT GOD...what I doubt is my interpretation of what I've read, heard, feel.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2Corinthinas 12:9-10.

And so the weaker I get, the stronger He becomes in me.

I go to the Dr tomorrow to take him my wonderful BBT chart and to see what the next step is. Then I come home to discuss the plan with my wonderful husband. We will pray about our plan lay it on the alter and ask God if and when we let go of our dream.

My 1st Baby

2009-04-14T05:02:00.002-04:00

We lost our first baby last night. Razy was the best dogie and is now playing in heaven with my Dad. Swimming in the ponds...chewing on some bones...not in pain anymore!

About 2 months after Shawn & I got married we decided to add to our family. Shawn ALWAYS wanted a lab but being newly married we had no money. I saw a sign on the side of the road that said "FREE golden lab pups". Perfect! that is JUST what we needed. FREE PUPPY! I learned a very valuable lesson...no puppy is FREE...Quickly talked Shawn into going to get a puppy. So Sunday after church we went to go pick out our FREE golden lab puppy. We pulled into the yard, back past the house, and next to an outside pin filled with about 10 puppies and the mama. Mama did look like a yellow lab and so did all the puppies...except for one. Shawn told me I could choose, anyone that I wanted! I played, held, loved on almost everyone, then I spotted THE one in the back of the dog house that momma was protecting. I asked the young boy who came out to help us if I could see that one. I was love at first sight! She was so cute! All black head, a white necklace around her neck, white tipped paws, INFESTED with fleas and about 1/2 the size of all the other puppies there. THAT'S THE ONE!!! Shawn agreed and we took her home!

There were some "rules" put into place by my husband as we were driving home. She is to stay in her cage while we were at work. Not unreasonable. We are NOT spending a ton of money on toys. Ok. Within the week she must go to the vet. No problem. Under NO circumstances is she suppose to sleep in our bed. Sure. Brought her home bathed her with dish soap to get the fleas off and completely fell in love with this four legged baby. That night we put her in her cage and went to bed. She cried and cried!! Shawn the "rule maker" rolls over and says...."May be she could come and sleep with us?" I agreed and she never spent another night in the pin.

She truly was the perfect dog. Not too big not to small a perfect 35 pounds. She could hold her own around playing kids and loved to be snuggled by them. One of my ALLL time favorite pictures is when I would take Razy to the house where I was a nanny and she was laying in the middle of the living room and Annie would lay on her back with her thumb in mouth and her head on Razy's belly. She LOVED to be LOVED! She knew the difference between her all white paw and her mostly brown paw. My favorite trick, the one she hated the most, was she could balance a treat on her nose and in her day would flip it up in the air and catch it in her mouth. She LOVED swimming in the pool, beach, pond, water!!! We'd ask her if she wanted to take a bath and she would beat to the bathroom. She even swallowed and passed a golf ball when she was a puppy. She was the type of dog that made even those who didn't like dogs like her...Right Troy??? :) Whether it be Florida, Maryland, North Carolina, or Ohio she was a dog that would touch your heart when you met her!

Thank you God for taking her quickly. Thank you for almost 12 wonderful years with our first "baby". If you know us at all you know she was our "baby"! Thank you Father for your peace during this time. I would never give up the past twelve years for the sadness I feel today.

Who knew a dog would be missed by so many!

Rest in peace my Razy Girl!!!
June 14, 1997 - April 13, 2009
...she was born on our wedding day! yet one more thing that made her so special...

One Question...

2009-04-08T22:30:00.001-04:00

I have to admit I think I have had the same hair style for almost 30 years. Well not really but a long time. I have been trying something new lately with my hair. Actually it's been about a year since my friend/hairdresser started straightening it but only a few months since I actually tried it. I can't decide which way is better...what do you think?

Straight? OR Curly?

I do realize the pictures aren't the best. I never claimed to be a photographer that's for sure. I also do realize that in the large scheme of things this really means nothing but... Just was thinking this would be a neat thing to see what other people who don't see me everyday or ever for that matter. By the way the cute adorable baby in the picture above is Kian...and those eyes are even more incredible in person. I'll have to see if I can find a newer picture that you can see his eyes in.

Hope you all are having a wonderful week!

Freckles

2009-04-01T07:37:00.012-04:00

One of my friends here in Ohio has two little boys, ages 3 and almost 2. I was sitting at her house the other day and she was telling me a story about the 3 year old. Who by the way is 100% boy, wants to jump, climb, swing, and hunt anything that moves, but has the most caring side I have ever seen in a boy of that age. Any time you walk in the door he is so excited to see you and can not wait to wrap his arms around you. He is so sweet! She asked him to show me what he had got from the store. He comes up and shows me his arm. There are two tiny brand new freckles on his forearm.

Me: Wow Brayden those are nice freckles! Where did you get those from?
Brayden: I gott’em at the store.
Me: That’s pretty cool! How did you get them at the store?
Brayden: I paid for’em with my monies.

I laughed and he walks off very proud of his new freckles.

I just can’t help but think how much I want & can't wait to watch freckles grow.

Hi...My name is Martha

2009-03-31T07:36:00.001-04:00

Yes, apparently I have changed my name without even knowing it. I am no longer Kara or Mary. I am Martha... Realizing this fact over the past few days has been difficult for me. And I'm not even sure when that happened...

Life is busy. Everyone's life can get busy at times. I mean between attempting to rebuilding a children's ministry of a church, paying bills, cleaning the house, running errands, spending time with my husband, trying to conceive, planning trips to the dr. between work, keeping up with what "day" I'm on, scheduling another round of fertility treatments...wow the list could go on and on. It is so easy to get caught up in the busy-ness that I end up forgetting sometimes what is most important.

In the past when I would read or study the story about Martha & Mary (Luke 10:38-42) I KNEW I was a Mary. I just wanted to be close to Jesus no matter the cost. I wanted to sit at His feet. My ALL time P&W song is The more I seek you. I really do want to sit at His feet drink from the cup in His hand lean back aginst Him and feel His heart beat. (I am totally drawn in to songs where you can paint a word picture. I don't like just singing the words I want to feel and see the words.) That desire still lives inside but for one reason or another I have put it on the back burner and chosen to take of the roll of Martha. Too busy to sit and wait on God. That hurts me...and if it hurts me how much more does it hurt Him.

I have been praying and trying to figure out how I got to this point. What happened that caused this change in me? Is it because I work full time in the ministry now. Ironic yes I know. You'd think working at a church is the best most rewarding place to work. And it is at times. But just like every other job it has its ups and downs. Is it the quest for a baby that pushed me in to my Martha state? Is it desire to have everything neat and organized in my life? (it's so not there...I did say desire.)

God has shown me some good news...it doesn't matter when it happened or how it happened...He'll continue to show me when it's time. But as for now there is alway room at Jesus' feet for me...to praise Him, worship Him, cry with Him, lay my hopes and dreams down, sit with Him, and soak in Him. This weekend He showed that's where my hiding place is with Him. Because when I'm there it just me and Him and that's exactally what He wants...and so do I.

**mute side bar music when you play this song**

Friends!

2009-03-20T07:03:00.000-04:00

Have I ever told you what WONDERFUL friends we have been blessed with???

God has blessed Shawn & I with wonderful friends...from everywhere! I remember when we first moved to Maryland away from my family and the first of my adult friends. For months I cried and cried saying PLEASE God give me friends. He did. When we moved to NC I was a little wiser...I started praying before we moved and began praying God please prepare friends for Shawn and I there that will last a lifetime and let us meet them quickly! He did yet again. We moved in shifts to Ohio but that didn't stop God from forming friendships and bonds that seem like we have known each other for ever.

I say all that because during each of our moves we have been trying to conceive and people sometimes don't know what to do with that. So many of our friends have had "quick" pregnancy. They decide they want to have a baby and with in a month or two they are pregnant. Even some that have struggled but now have babies. I have the feeling that sometimes people just don't know what to do or say so they just back off or don't mention it. I have read and re-read this devotion almost everyday since I received it letting it seep in. My guess is that I am not the only person that God is going to put in your path struggling with infertility so here are somethings that I hope will help!

What Can I Do To Help?

If you love someone who is carrying the heavy load of unplanned “un-pregnancy”, you may find it difficult to know how to offer support for their struggle. They definitely need your encouragement, but it is sometimes so difficult for friends and family to know how to offer the support. As we struggle with infertility, our relationships with friends and family are undeniably touched. Those who conceive easily may have difficulty truly understanding the struggle an infertile couple faces every single day. In our effort to offer support for those who struggle, we submit these suggestions for ways that friends and family can offer their own support to those they love. These are simple, practical ways to show your love and support. If Sarah’s Laughter can help you in any way, please feel free to contact us at any time.

What to Say...
I’m so sorry.I’m praying for you. (Only say this if you really will pray!) How would you like me to pray for you? (Join in agreement with them in prayer. Don’t assume you know what they’re praying for. They may be praying for something that seems totally off the wall to you. You don’t have to understand why certain things are important. It may be important for your friend to not be invited to her cousin’s shower, or to be called into work on what should have been her due date. When you validate their feelings by praying in agreement with them, it can be a beautifully healing thing.)I’m here if you need to talk. (Then don’t be afraid of what they may say. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to talk. Being available to them as a sounding board is priceless.)

What NOT to say...
Relax, honey. It will happen. (This minimizes the hurt the couple is feeling. Also, sometimes it doesn’t happen.)You’re so lucky not to be tied down with kids. You can go on vacation any time you want.At least...you were only a few weeks along, At least...you have one child. At least...you have time with just the two of you. (A good rule of thumb is--if you start a sentence with “at least” it’s probably the wrong thing to say!)So whose fault is it--yours or his? (Infertility is not an issue of fault. It is a medical condition that carries a heavy emotional and spiritual burden. This is an intensely personal battle. If they want--or need--to share personal, medical information with you, let them. It’s really quite an honor to be trusted with such vulnerable information. If they don’t want to share, please don’t ask.)You can always have another baby. (Unfortunately, many who experience infertility also experience loss. Even if they are blessed with a houseful of other children, they still grieve the baby they’ve lost. They love this baby. They want this baby.I know how you feel. (No, you don’t. Even if you suffered with infertility or miscarriage, you cannot know exactly how this person feels. You may have a good idea based on your own experience, but not the specifics of this situation.) Don’t cry. It’ll be okay. (Let them cry. Let them cry with you or on you. Just let them cry.)

Be Sensitive...
Infertility and loss are excruciating experiences which tend to be extremely private. If someone dares to trust in you and shares these experiences with you, take their hurt very seriously even if you cannot relate to their pain. Maintain their confidence. If someone else questions you about your friend’s childlessness, keep the information to yourself. Even when others ask out of concern, remember the intimacy of this situation. If and when your friend wants to share with others, she will--just as she shared with you. Realize that baby showers and Mother's day are painful but they still want to be a part. These are excruciating events for those who struggle.Realize that the grief an infertile couple carries begins anew approximately every 28 days.Don’t panic if the couple “emotionally vomits” on you. Don’t cringe if they start talking about sperm counts or post-coital tests. Your support can be life giving to someone who feels like they are going to collapse under the weight of an empty cradle.Don’t be afraid of anger. Hurting people tend to lash out. If they are angry at their spouse, their doctor, their baby, their body or even at God, let them vent.Give hurting couples an “out” on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, on days when you have a baby dedication at church, for baby showers, etc. Let them know about the dedication in advance if you are comfortable doing so, so that they can decide if they want to attend that Sunday. These are hard events to attend. Don’t criticize if they do not attend. However, follow up with them if they miss more than just the difficult days or if they are pulling away too much.Let them know you care. However it works for you and those you care for, just let them know you care.

As Philippians 4:13-14 says, we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength, but it is so good of you to share with your infertile friends/family in their trouble. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for caring for hurting people and making such a wonderful effort to ease the pain of unintentional childlessness.
(c) 2009 Sarah’s Laughter-Christian Support for Infertility & Child Loss

I want to thank all of my friends that continue to pray for our miracle. Thank you for standing in the gap, holding our hand high when we can't, for BLESSING us by allowing us the privilege to love you and your children. God has strategically places each and every one of you in our lives...and our lives have been changed because of you! WE LOVE YOU! Spring has Sprung...have a wonderful weekend!!!

Have I told you about my Dad?

2009-03-19T15:20:00.000-04:00

Have I ever told you that I have the best Dad in the WHOLE world? Well of course HE created it! Right now I'm not speaking of my earthly dad who was a wonderful father to me but about my Heavenly Father who ALWAYS has my back! Listen to what He did for me!

In response to my tears that have been shed and held back the past few days...Praying for comfort of some sort that I know would only come from HIM...Cynthia the councilor here at the church walks past me today and says..."Good Morning! I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere". Needless to say I was very curious. She comes down and says "I had the COOLEST thing happen last night!" She proceeds to tell me about how she woke up in the middle of the night and started praying for so many people and things in this church. Everyone needs an intercessor like Cynthia in their life. She then sets down something’s from a baby shower that we helped at a few weeks ago. She said, "God told me to give you this. This represents His promise to you and the conception that is about to happen." She tells me often how she prays for our baby and how "HE" looks just like Shawn.

He restores hope & comfort in very strategic moments. He knows me inside and out. Feelings said and unsaid. Thank you Father! I feel so blessed!

Confession

2009-03-19T06:58:00.001-04:00

I have a confession to make...I have started to like the two week wait. You know the one in between ovulation and test day. For me those weeks are full of anticipation, hopefulness, excitement, planning for the possibility, and thankfulness that my body function correctly and actually did ovulate. Only to end that two week wait with a test that you are so desperate to pass. You’ve done your research…you’ve “studied” everyday what feels like day and night and you just don’t want to “study” or even talk about “studing” any more…you’ve prayed and cried out to God to PLEASE PLEASE to pass it just once of these test. To watch others test without a barely “studying” at all. You have done EVERYTHING that you have been instructed to do and yet you still fail the test.

The only thing that I find consistent about my cycle is that for 130 months I have gone without a positive test. WOW! Talk about failing! Now grant it we weren't actively trying all of those months but we were doing nothing to prevent it either. For me infertility is full of frustration and misunderstanding mixed with hopefulness and excitement that is hard to even put into words.

This month for many reasons has been more difficult for me than many of the previous months. It’s spring (or at least it will be shortly). It seems as though baby bellies are popping out everywhere. I have blessed enough to hold so many others sweet newborns. Pray over them, comfort them, and when they start screaming uncontrollably…hand them backJ. But this month I wanted it to be my month…OUR month…I so desperately wanted to tell Shawn’s father on his 60th birthday that he was finally going to be a “Grampie”. I wanted so desperately to tell all of my friends that have been praying and interceding for us THANK YOU!! We’re pregnant! I wanted so desperately to finally give Shawn this funny kid’s book I got him to welcome in to “Daddyhood”.

But instead this month I call the Dr. cancel my pregnancy test and order more clomid. Instead this month I continue to thank God that He is a fulfiller of promises. I thank Him for my body working correctly and actually ovulating. I thank Him for the relationship that He continues to build between Shawn & me. I thank Him for the wonderful husband that He has given me. The husband who use to never ask a thing and holds me when he knows I’ve started but I don’t want to talk about it. I thank Him for His love and grace when there are days when I don’t want to deal with “stupid people”.

But this month I will also continue to remember where I find my strength…
“…Stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is NOT in vain.” 1 Corinthians 15:58.

“Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their cities.” Isaiah 54:2-4

This month I will continue to stand firm knowing that MY God is the God that performs MIRACLES and displays his power among the people. Psalms 77:14.

This month is like many others…I wait with anticipation for God to fulfill His promise of what was spoke over our lives… “The Lord WILL grant you (US) abundantly prosperity in the fruit of your womb (that would by MY womb), the young of your livestock, and the crops of your ground, in the land that he swore to your forefathers to give you.” Numbers 23:19 .

Sarah's Laughter

2009-02-26T08:37:00.009-05:00

I'm not talking about my friend Sarah's laughter, which it in itself is pretty infectious. If you know her you have love the laughter of THE Sarah W! Today I'm talking about this site I have recently found sarah's-laughter. I started receiving these Daily Devotionals from here and I love them! This one below was the one from today. I found it so impacting because it is not only valid not only for infertility but for life no matter what you have been praying for.

I’ll never forget that flight. As long as I live, I’ll always remember the fear that gripped me that day as I faced my mortality and prepared for my death.

I remember glancing out the window of the airplane to see if I could yet see the earth below me. I wanted to watch people scurrying about their day, cars lining the highways as commuters continued on their frantic pace. What I saw instead was terrifying. I saw pieces of the wing of the airplane coming loose! Fear gripped me in a way I had never known before and in my panic, I began to search the cabin for someone to help. Didn’t anyone else see the red lights flashing? No one seemed concerned. My family members were dozing or carrying on with their mundane conversations, and I alone knew we would soon plummet to a certain death! I could find no one to help me.

Fortunately, I knew that God the Father was always with me. I began to pray and ask God to help us. I asked that He repair the wings of this plane and bring us to safety. I earnestly prayed that He would cause the wing of the plane to be solid again and that the pieces of metal that looked as though they would fall off at any moment would move back into place and the red flashing lights would go dark. Please God! I have my whole life ahead of me! I have friends who love me! I have to start the third grade in two weeks!

Obviously, there was nothing wrong with the plane that day. The certain disaster I feared was nothing more than the pilot preparing to land the plane and causing the landing mechanisms on the wings to bring us down to the earth in safety. I thought I understood exactly what was happening, but somehow, in my eight years of existence on this planet, I had not yet learned the physics involved in flight. As I sat there in safety, yet believed I would soon die a horrible death, I begged God to make things different. I’m so glad He knew better!

I didn’t understand why God didn’t answer my prayer the way I asked Him to that day. Surely He saw the same thing I did! He could have caused the landing mechanisms to go back into their starting place if He had chosen to! Thank God He didn’t!

If God had done exactly as I had asked, a great tragedy would have followed. Chances are everyone on the plane would have died that day if God had forced the landing gear to malfunction as I unknowingly asked Him to. I didn’t understand that things were working for my good even though I couldn’t possibly see how.

As we struggle with infertility, we beg God to change our situation. We ask Him to allow us to conceive this month, not next month! We know this is the right time! We plead with Him to let this procedure work or to make this disease go away. What we don’t understand is that He has a plan. He knows what He’s doing, even when we’re like eight year olds who think they know how to land a plane better than the pilot does!

When you are disappointed with your fertility and with God and His apparent silence, remember an eight year old trying to land a plane. God’s ways were not my ways that day. God’s thoughts were not my thoughts. Did that mean He didn’t love me or didn’t care? Did it mean that He didn’t understand how afraid I was or how desperately I wanted Him to answer my prayer? Did it mean He didn’t have a plan? Not at all. It simply meant that He had a plan that I didn’t see or understand yet. I’m so glad He knew what I needed more than I thought I knew what I needed.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways", declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

"For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Clear Pipes!

2009-02-25T22:14:00.005-05:00

Good News!! There was no snow storm today!!! AND I have a 33% greater chance of getting pregnant this month...well actually for the next 3 months! Good news huh?!

I had my HSG done today. And am happy to report that my tubes are clear, there was no endometerious or scar tissue and my uterus looks great. I got to see a picture too. They didn't let me keep it. It was pretty painless. UNCOMFORTABLE YES!!! The Doctor asked me, "How are you doing Kara?" to which I responded, "Well I have had a lot more fun other places!" He laughed and kept shoving stuff up in there. At least that's what it felt like. The after effects were minimal as well. Some cramping and even a little burning where my tubes are but that was about it. I was able to go on with the rest of my day.

Anyways...I don't have to drink Drano to clear my pipes! And news like this is always fun to share.

Hope you all have wonderful rest of the week!

Wait...

2009-02-10T22:58:00.003-05:00

Teaching children to wait isn't always easy but is a lesson that must be taught. If taught will gentleness and grace can impact them forever. I feel like I'm the one being TAUGHT to wait not the one doing the teaching...which right now seems soooooo much easier.

So much of the fight to stay sane in my quest for a child is learning to waiting. I have to wait for my next cycle to begin. I have wait for the blood results. Waiting to be the birth mom and not just being the birth friend. Almost everyone around me despises that dreaded two week wait. It seems like all I do sometimes is just sit around and wait. Why is it that even God tells me to wait on His promises? Waiting for something that I KNOW is going to happen is hard...then at times doubt creeps in...as much as I hate to admit it does.

Because to be honest Philippians 4:8 can be a moment by moment struggle for me some days. Especially when it comes to my fertility situation. I want so desperately to believe that God has promised us this child but there are days when I don't believe that I am worthy enough of such a blessing. But what God has shown me is that I alone am not worth but because of WHO I am in Christ, the King of Kings daughter, I am worth of whatever blessings He bestows on me. Not because of who I am but because WHO lives in me. I am blessed enough to have the best Dad in the whole world!

Websters defines WAIT as; to stay in place in expectation of. In KJV Isaiah 40:31 says"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength..." What I found really cool was the NIV says "But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength."

I am so thankful for my Father to renew my strength and hope as I struggle.

Something that God has shown me the past few weeks is that when I grow weary from waiting He will continue to renew my strength, my hope, my perseverance. Thank you Lord! While knowing this in my head and in my head can be two separate things at times. So I must take every negative, damaging thought captive and place them under the obedience of my Father.

God’s promises are great and I need to continue to learn to truly to wait for Him. He promises me new strength...daily. He promises endurance to run the race set before me...daily. I am thankful for a Father who loves me.

Snow Delay

2009-02-01T23:06:00.000-05:00

Tuesday night into most of the day Wednesday there was a HUGE snow/ice storm. I had to go on Tuesday to the drs office to take a blood pregnancy test just to make sure that I wasn't pregnant to have the HSG test done. I asked them when I left, "It's suppose to snow tomorrow are you SURE he's going to do it?" Yes they said. "He doesn't stop that because it snows." Sounds good to me.

Well the weather was HORRIBLE just like the weather man said so at 9 I called to see if he was still going to be there. They told me again "Yes! He doesn't stop because of the weather." So at 9:30 as I'm heading out the door for my 11:30 appointment. I made one last call to the Dr. JUST to make sure that he was going to be there and let them know that I am driving alllll the was from Bolivar (40 some odd miles) are you SURE he is going to do the test. YES they said. So I headed out in the traitorous weather. And didn't even break down emotionally the entire drive!

I got there checked in went to the bathroom and came out they said I'm sorry the Dr just called and he can't get over to this hospital today. It took me over 2 hours to drive there. NEVER have I driven in weather like this. 25MPH on the freakin interstate! THE ENTIRE WAY. And he can't get from across town???!!! I broke in to tears. I called drs office they tried to work something out but it wouldn't work. They informed me that he was at another facility and they were backed up because of the weather and he couldn't make it in time for my appointment. I drove home crying most of the way.

Came home burnt off some energy by shoveling the drive way and got over it. Started praying for summer to hurry up and get here. Figured there must be a reason God didn't want this done. I have prayed about having this test done. I prayed about going that morning. Not wanting to waste the money especially since I have already racked up a ton of bills. So many things in my mind. Maybe my snow delay was God's way of answering my prayers.

By the end of the day resting assure God has it under control. God is faithful. Life goes on. Maybe next month. Or who knows...maybe I'll be pregnant and won't have to have it at all! :)

Reassurance...

2009-01-27T22:32:00.002-05:00

I have been struggling this week...okay a few weeks with a few things. Not going into too much detail right now. It's more life related than just baby related. I love it God fills me from the inside out with reassurance. Then this evening I have grow increasing more concerned about my HSG tomorrow and now I have to drive an hour to in the middle of the snow storm.

Isaiah 43:18-20 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

And I continually am reminded of our New Years verse...Isaiah 54:2-3 Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.

Thank you Father for your daily reassurance through Your word and friends you have placed in my life!

Draino and Side Effects

2009-01-26T21:47:00.004-05:00

I don't think I have ever been on the verge of tears as much as I have since starting the clomid. Not so sure I remember the side effects being like this last time. At my Dr.s appointment the beginning of January told the Dr. when I asked for the Clomid the first time and he told me no...I said, "I know the side effects of this and I'm ready! I can handle it. I've had it before I know the side effects and I'm ready!" I was pretty cocky and admit that I wanted it.

As I sit here on day 5 (thank you JESUS its the last day) I have literally wept, not cried WEPT, everyday since being on this. I read one of my dear friends posts about fulfilling a dream of hers I couldn't stop crying! I wanted to write a comment how proud I was of her overcoming a fear and living in the moment and fulfilling a dream...but I couldn't because I was crying and couldn't type it out write THEN I started crying because I couldn't type. WHAT THE FREAKIN HECK!!! Then again I have never had "clean plumbing" and taken Clomid...I'm thinking that Draino may have been cheaper way to clean "my pipes" and maybe less side effects! ...in a few days I'm going to find this really funny.

It says one of the SIDE EFFECTS to Clomid: Mood Swings...Is that what you freakin call this?? Wondering if pregnancy mood swings are anything like this.

The Kid, The Dog & The Dr. went into the bar...

2009-01-23T07:54:00.002-05:00

Sounds like a good beginning to some lame joke doesn't it...sorry no bar in this post though...

It's hard to get moving this morning. As 8:00 quickly approaches I am enjoying sitting here in bed with my two beautiful puppies and little Ethan. I have been blessed with the opportunity to watch Ethan until Sunday. It always makes me laugh of how much it takes to take care of one little person. He is almost 18 months old and is having a grand time exploring everything. He did really good last night...He went right to sleep after his bath but then woke up at midnight panicked because he didn't know where he was. After a re-binki and some love he quickly calmed back down and went back to sleep until 7:30.

Sadie our chocolate lab doesn't know what to think of having Ethan in bed with us this moring. Right now they are nose to nose on their belly's smelling each other. Sadie REALLY wants his sippy cup or binki...just for a taste. Ethan's not giving them up...nor would I actually let Sadie have them. It's just funny to watch.

On other news fronts...I went to the doctor again the other day to sign paper for my hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Probably my least favorite test that I have ever failed. Well I got a 50% last time. I had one done about 5 years ago in North Carolina. That's when they found out that my left tube was blocked with scar tissue. They tried to unblock it with the dye but were unsuccessful...let me tell you that hurt. Needless to say I am NOT looking forward to having this test again BUT I am looking forward to seeing the dye flow through both tubes freely! Yes the Dr did open my tube in Dec during surgery but was not able to watch the flow through the tube. Apparently after he open the tube he could see that the fluid came out the other side but in this test it shows how it flows. Basically he wants to see how the egg flows. He also explained to me that for some unknown reason people have a high % of getting pregnant after having this done. So that test will be done next Wednesday so please keep me in your prayers.

Another wonderful thing that happened at the Drs. was that he gave me a RX for Clomid. This MAKES you ovulate. YEAH ME!!! Last month I took ovulation test and they barely came up positive but hopefully now they will defiantly be positive.

Well that's all the update that I have for now. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Feels Like

2009-01-15T06:56:00.001-05:00

Feels like...COLD

As I sit warm and toasty in my bed with my cup a coffee, two beautiful puppies, and my computer I know longer ever have to wonder what 0 degrees feels like! :) It's REALLY cold! As I watch Shawn get ready to go out in to the cold had no clue how many layers it actually takes to stay warm.

This Florida girl LOVES the snow, LOVES bundling up, LOVES snuggling in bed with hubby and puppies, BUT has officially decided she DOES NOT like driving on icy roads. I can handle the below freezing temperatures...I can handle the snow...but when you but them together it can be pretty dangerous. Right now it is so cold that they can't even salt the roads. If/when the snow melts it turn immediately into ice. It makes for a very slippery drive into work.

That is why I am fortunate enought to be sitting in bed with my second cup of coffee and two puppies wait for some symbolance of the sun to come out and warm us up to 6 degrees today. With temperatures like this there is GOOD news...this weekend when it finally makes it to 24 degrees...It will feel like a HEAT wave!

Wishing I was in Costa Rica with Keith, Becky, and Kian today !

Appointment Update

2009-01-14T23:11:00.006-05:00

I haven't posted since my appointment because I have been trying to process it. I can't really say that I am "done" processing it because I feel like I have no answers.

I have a feeling this may be a love hate relationship with my Dr. He's good but so he's busy... At least at this appointment. So that means he has no time to hear my stories of how I felt nor does he probably even really care. After I sat in the little room for 45 mins he walks in glances at my belly button and says how are you feeling and I say fine. He says you look great lets go to my office.

We go into his office and he closes the door and proceeds to show me my pictures. First was the endometriosis...which he said wasn't too bad but the scare tissue all over was "severe". What is the scare tissue from? He says its from the endometriosis. SO then he goes on to the next picture which is my uterine wall. He said that it is shedding and trying to regrow all at the same time because my hormones are out of whack. I asked him, "What can I take to help that? Metphormine?" No, that just for blood sugar he said... That usually happens when people have really heavy periods...Well I don't have heavy painful periods...They may last 3-5 days and its not too heavy and mine aren't painful...He says then I don't know why its doing that then...He closes my chart and seemed like everything was over and I ask well what about my left tube? He said I'm not really sure if its open...I said What? you said that you opened my tube during that procedure. He said well we really don't know until we do an HSG...So we'll schedule one of those and then go from there. I said...what about clomid or something...He said i'm not giving you anything until I see if your tube is open. He walked me out to the secretaries desk and told her to set me up and appointment for an HSG.

Needless to say I left there feel pissed at myself because I didn't stand up and say...I KNOW that you are busy and I KNOW that there are a lot of people waiting but having a baby is important to me and I don't like feeling like you pushing me out the door. There are so many more questions that I wanted to ask but didn't have time to even think of them much less ask them...

I went home that night and told Shawn what happened at the appointment. He asked, "Isn't that the one where they shoot the dye through your tubes?" Why yes my smart husband that's been paying attention, "that it is what it is." He said that said. "Why would he want to do that when you he said he put dye through the tubes day I had the surgery. He came out and told me that they shot dye through both sides and they were open."

Why would the Dr come and tell Shawn that and then ask me to have an HSG done. So I called the Dr on Friday and told the nurse what happened and she said I'll call you back. So she called me back and told me yes you still need to have a HSG done because the one you had done was a LONG time ago. I said no my husband said that the dr came out and told him that he put dye through my tubes while I was in surgery. Why would I need to have an HSG done if he JUST basically done? She said "oh I didn't understand that the first time. Honestly I don't have your file over here at this location but I will call you back when I have it." When the Dr called the night of the surgery asked him about my left tube? He said "Its open your good! Everything went GREAT" I know I was on drugs but I wasn't out of it.

So basically I'm confused...I know that God has it under control but He has also wants us to make wise choices, but all of this trying to have a baby that you feel like God has promised you can be a little confusing and frustrating sometimes. But after all is said and done I still stand firm on...

Numbers 23:19 “The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground-in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

Deuteronomy 28:11 God is NOT a God that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not fulfill?"

Trust?

2009-01-07T23:47:00.000-05:00

But blessed is the (wo)man who trusts in the LORD,

whose confidence is in him. Jeremiah 17:7

So I did something not so smart the other night about 10:30 . In my search to be filled with a wealth of knowledge about infertility and I came across someone's blog that had a surgery that was extremely similar to what I had done. The only thing is that hers didn't turn out so well. She had it done 6 months ago and they still aren't pregnant and with 3 or 4 failed IUIs the Dr. doesn't give them much hope outside IVF. We all know how much that costs...and the fact insurance doesn't pay for it 98% of the time. Needless to say its been hard for me to focus since. Why do I do that to myself? I'm not sure...But it really made me start thinking...why is it easier to trust for other people's miracles but not my own. I know that God has promised us a son and I try desperately to hold on to that promise.

Tomorrow is my follow up appointment for the surgery. I wonder what he's going to say. Praying that if I'm not pregnant (which if I was I doubt I would be up blogging at 11:45 at night) he will give me some meds that will help me ovulate on both sides and we will be able to get pregnant quickly. I still haven't found a blog about someone who is in their mid 30's who had a few repoductive problems and then was able to get pregnant naturally and given birth to a happy healthy baby. I'm sure there is one out there somewhere...who knows maybe I'm sitting here reading the first. :)

Good Night...Pray for a great report tomorrow!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2009-01-01T20:51:00.012-05:00

So did everyone enjoy their extra second that we had last night just before the clock struck midnight? Did anyone new years resolutions? I hope everyone enjoyed bringing in 2009. A year that I believe will bring fulfillment so many of God's promises.

Our New Year's Eve was very fun. (I'll post again with pictures of all who celebrated with us) We started the evening off with going to church. I was working with the kids but Shawn was able to be a part of it. Our pastor handed out stakes (yard stakes) to every adult there. Pastor's message was on Isaiah 54:2-4 Enlarge the place of your tents stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords,strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities. Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

I have a confession to make...every since this surgery where everyone KNOWS that I'm suppose to get pregnant after it I have been REALLY anxious about not getting knocked up. You know all the what if's come in to my mind...What if I'm not ever suppose to be a mom, What if I get pregnant and loose the baby, What if I never get pregnant, What if I let everyone who has been praying over me down because I can't get pregnant, What if I have to go though another year of no baby...You get the point...WHAT IF.

I have been truly trying to do a good job of "taking ever thought captive" and "being anxious in nothing". When i feel the anxiety creep up I start looking up Bible verses (because I SUCK at memorizing), praying, finding some source of seeing Gods hand move or feeling God. I had a dream the other night that has nothing to do with this EXCEPT for the fact that our pastor wife from COTR was pregnant in it!...but anyways...I was anxious ALLLLLL the way through my dream. I sat down this morning to pray and do may devotions and said, "God I don't WANT this feeling I give it to you Please forgive me for feeling this way and send something to reassure me that what you promised me will is true and will come into existence and that will bring me peace."

All that to say...Have I told you about Cynthia? She is the "counselor" here at our church. She has 4 natural children 2 adoptive NO PROBLEM getting or staying pregnant. Well She called me to come down to her office and she said that God woke her up the same night I had my dream to pray over the church and stuff like He does often but as soon as she was drifting back off to sleep she felt God wake her back up and tell her to pray for me and to come today and give me this word...

2 Kings 4:14-17 "What can be done for her?" Elisha asked. Gehazi said, "Well, she has no son and her husband is old." Then Elisha said, "Call her." So he called her, and she stood in the doorway. "About this time next year," Elisha said, "you will hold a son in your arms." "No, my lord," she objected. "Don't mislead your servant, O man of God!" (this is how I felt when she was telling me) But the woman became pregnant, and the next year about that same time she gave birth to a son, just as Elisha had told her."

What is my resolution? To not hold back...to have "crazy faith". Non wavering faith for ME and my household. It seems to be easier to have that type of faith for others but at times more difficult to have that same faith for myself. I'm staking my claim on the promises that God has given us!

I pray that you and your family will be richly blessed this year as you endeavor to serve HIM!

Right Around the Corner...

2008-12-26T11:56:00.006-05:00

Wow is it really right around the corner? 2009? ALREADY? Hard to believe.

Christmas 2008 was so different than any other Christmas but it was just what we needed. We spend Christmas eve night with some friends and their family. As I helped her prepare food for Christmas morning at their house A Christmas Story was on in the background. I couldn't help but think this isn't where I thought I'd be at 33, but at the same time how grateful I am for this journey that God has taken us on. Christmas Day we woke up early opened our stockings that my fabtab sister sent for us (we were suppose to be in Florida this year but for many reasons unable to go). Then headed out to our friends Mike and Natalie's for breakfast! They have 5 kids so it as a lot of fun watching them open presents! Breakfast was delicious and then after the presents there was a fashion show of all the new clothes (just the 3 girls...the boys were too busy putting their Lego's together and shooting the Nerf gun at everyone).

I am very sentimental...I still have confetti from the night I met Shawn, still have THE Thumper that my sister gave to me the day she introduced me to my brother in law. I have a hat that my friend Sarah made during one of her many attempts to teach me how to sew. I have really random things...but one of my favorite things is memories. I WISH i had the skill and/or attention span to make scrapbooks. There are so many memories both happy and sad of just this year that I never want to lose.

January started off with a bang...We went to Florida just after my sisters brain aneurysm surgery. Then to see our friend Barry get married and hang out at Disney with our friends Mike and Natalie. February wow what a month. We grew as a "family"! This is then month when the girls (all girls at the time bc Eli wasn't born yet.) came to live with us for what was suppose to be 3 weeks. March Another WOW month...Our close friend died suddenly unexpectedly and one of my best friends lost her husband...What God continues to do in Sarah's life amazes me! Sarah, I love you! Your faith-Your perseverance-Your honesty-Your "Youness" can never be matched! Not sure what else really happened in that month. April we opened the pool and entire month earlier than normal do to much begging from Taylor the 14 year old. One week after we opened it she began swimming in it and swam almost every day until they moved! May went to Florida to meet my handsome nephew for the first time. Wishing that was the only reason I went...my mom went into the hospital to have her galbladder taken out and stay for a month. My grandfather (my mom's dad) passed away. June camp, camp, and more camp! It was fun! July completely revised VBS, Eli's baby shower, 2 other mommy's baby showers, and my 33rd Birthday. WOW!! August ELI MADDOX graced us with his presence on the 5th! He was soooo tiny. The home going of Shawn's grandmother. September the girls and Eli went back to their home. Vacation to Rocky Mount and Hilton Head. October Fall Family Fun Fest, The Brenner's move to AZ, As much as we've moved...I never realized how impacting moving is for those who stay... WE MISS YOU GUYS! My first GYN appointment with an Ohio Dr. November Shawn's family came for Thanksgiving. And here we are in December so many changes, so many growth opportunities this year.

These are just of the life changing moments of 2008. I am excited to see where God leads us in 2009! Praying that EVEYONE stays healthy and happy!

I've Been Promoted

2008-12-22T08:21:00.005-05:00

To the bed that is. Since Wednesday afternoon I have been on the couch in the basement trying to lay still and not lift or do anything that could possibly make scar tissue. Wednesday and Thursday are nothing but a blur to me. Friday, I honestly expected to feel really good SURPRISE I still felt like crap. Saturday finally off pain pills enough to drive and I went to work with plans to go Christmas shopping! I worked from 10-2 and I was pretty much done. Wasn't sure if I could deal with crazy Christmas people so I went home and went to sleep. I have NEVER slept so much as I have the past few days. Some people might enjoy that but I feel so unproductive and it makes me anxious. There is so much to that needs to still be done and I can't go at my normal pace it kind of makes nervous that I won't be able to get everything done. Anyways back to the procedure...

Here's how it went. Wednesday I woke up at 4:30am (went to sleep sometime after 1am) reminding myself "DON'T FORGET to pee in the cup!". I haven't had anything to eat or drink since about 10pm so I knew I needed to make this one count. I get in there open up the box and follow the 8 YES 8 instructions on HOW TO PEE IN THE CUP. By that time I am doing the pee pee dance around the bathroom making sure that I followed each and every last instruction because I won't be able to muster this up again. After that I crawled back into bed and waited and prayed until my alarm went off. We didn't have to be to the hospital until 8:30am but it was suppose to be icy so we left 2 hours ahead of time for a 45min drive. LOL! You gotta love my husband.

Got to the hospital and waited...isn't that always the way...hurry up and wait. They called me back and explained the procedure about 10 times by about 10 different people. At this point I am realizing that this procedure is going to be a little bigger than I thought. Everyone there was SO nice and helpful. Surprisingly, I wasn't very anxious at this point. They let Shawn come back and wait with me. In his nervousness made really inappropriate comments about all kinds of things. Like the funny looking guy in the waiting room with a comb over that went down the back of his neck. Then the Dr came back with the great news...the surgery had been bumped up one hour! YEAH ME!

I get wheeled back to the OR room and my first response was I wish I could stay awake to see how all this cool equipment works! They laughed and said that I was going to a much nice place. The anesthesiologist told me that she was putting something in my IV and then next was the "happy juice". The DR came over and held my hand and said something to the effect of he was going to fix me right up. Next thing I remember was waking up asking "can I go home yet?" All I could think about was getting home then I knew I could rest.

Shawn said that the DR came out and talked to him and told him the procedure went great. He was able to open up my left tube, removed all the endometriosis and scar tissue and made my uterus sticky! :) What every girl wants for Christmas! I have to admit when Shawn told me that he was able to open up my left tube I almost started crying. To me that was such an answer to prayers! And like every good husband asked, "Dr. How long before, you know, um, we can, um, try?" Don't know if that's EXACTLY how it was asked but I could just imagine. The Dr said 7-10 days.

As I was waking up all I could remember was what one of the nurses pre-surgery told me...If you don't ask for pain meds you won't get it...and you are going to need them. By that time Shawn was back there. He said that they gave me three different doses of pain meds before I actually fully woke up. I asked for ice chips and was able to keep that down and then they wanted me to eat. They brought me a Diet Coke and two different types of crackers. I ate one cracker and drink the entire Diet Coke, but apparently kept asking when I could go home. They gave me two prescriptions for some of the good drugs and sent me home.

I spent the next few days not being able to complete a thought without working really hard at it, Sleeping, watching movies, making plans for different things, talking on the phone or on the computer...but most importantly...praising God for allowing me to find this Dr. giving him the wisdom to find these issues and letting it and knowing how to take care of it and PRAISING GOD for this beautiful child(ren), world changer, that He has promised to us!

Well, its time to get back to the real world. Wake up, get ready for work, go to work, come home, cook dinner, clean the house, and go to bed to do it all over again. Still not feeling 100% so I am NOT going to lift anything or do anything too difficult. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Can you believe that Christmas is only a few days away??? Who knows I might actually be prego by the end of the year. I have been praying for this child of mine in 2009!

In the Begining...

2008-12-16T21:58:00.007-05:00

There was two...praying that there will be more!

Tomorrow is the day. I go in to the hospital at 8am and then the surgery is at 10am and hopefully home by 3pm. The surgery will consist of a D&C, removal of endometriosis & fibroid tumor, and praying for the opening of my left fallopian tube. God says to be specific when you pray...Please agree with us in prayer that the surgery will go well tomorrow and to guide the surgeons hands. The removal of the endometriosis & tumor will be removed easily with no scare tissue and that the tube can be opened easily. Ultimately a pregnancy this month! A healthy uncomplicated pregnancy and a healthy baby!

At the last encounter that Shawn went to before leaving Rocky Mount one of the guys prayed this Bible verse over us and it is something that we have been clinging to daily. The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground—in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you. Deuteronomy 28:11

Thanking you in advance for your continued prayers and love!!! I feel so blessed to have friends such as you!

Letting go & Moving on

2008-12-13T07:19:00.001-05:00

I think I do a pretty good job of fulfilling Romans 12:15 most of the time. No ones perfect...please hear me...I'm not saying that I am...but my husband and I have been married for 11 1/2 years and off of birth control for 10 and we have had no baby as of yet. Still I have given baby showers, attended baby showers, took food over to new moms, held crying moms that their babies went to be with Jesus earlier than they ever thought. I have rejoiced with those who rejoice and mourned with those who mourn. I don't say all this to get a pat on the back or a way to go you rock. I say this because something was said...that mind you has been said before by a certain family that REALLY hurt deep last night.

The young mom who stayed at our house this year sang at a Christian coffee house last night and a whole group of us went to go hear her sing. Her mom & sister were there and also a friend that I have never met before. I've just heard a lot about this friend. As we are all sitting around the table waiting for her to sing I said to her, "When are you going to go out so I can watch the kids?" she said "I don't know". Her friend said, "You can't watch the kids. You'll keep them." The table got silent for a brief second. Then my friend Heather said, "Going out? Your going with us!" Its always good to have friends like Heather! She wanted to leg sweep the girl but I told her no. :) I have to say...I LOVE HEATHER!

It amazed me how just a few small words could crush my heart. This girl doesn't know me. Why would she say that to me? She doesn't know anything that I have gone through. She had to have heard that from somewhere. This family that I put my life on hold for 9 month to help thinks the only reason I'm have a relationship with them is to take the kids? The younger sister has said that before to me but she's 15. She just needed to be reassured of where our relationship stood.

God has chosen a mom for those two beautiful children...its not me...I'm ok with that! There is no one better suited to be their mom than HER! God doesn't make mistakes. Its NO secret that I love kids. And I love the parents that ALLOW me to love their kids. I know it is a privilege. But it still hurts to know that I may not be able to love, encourage, & minister to those children because someone in the family fears that I might take them away. That has never been a thought...

It amazes me how satan tries to use one comment to break a relationship, to damage a relationship. The balls in my court now. I have the chance to forgive, pray for them, ask God to remove any roots in my heart so they don't take hold, and to pray for the young friend that said it. I am moving on from this and stand firm on the promises that God has in store for me!

THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT

2008-12-12T22:57:00.000-05:00

Someone sent me this email the other day. I thought it was worth reposting...is that anything like regifting?...anyways...

THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT
My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years but hadn't been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child,I would be a perfect mother,love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide.

God answered my prayer sand blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year,He blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter. My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty.We now had four children,and the oldest was only four years old. I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it.As a minister once told me,"If you pray for rain,make sure you carry an umbrella."

I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start.God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint Him. I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks. I tried to be understanding...when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs. When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog,I tried to see the humor rather than the mess. In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers,never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time,I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother -I didn't even come close...I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God. I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God,and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to"wash up" Jesus, too. Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife."

My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary,two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man.This was their moment to shine. My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line,"We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes." My four-year-old "Mary" said,"That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes." A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel,who bent her halo and lost her left wing.

As I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama." Mary grabbed the doll,wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived. My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown,knelt at the manger and announced,"We are the three wise men,and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."

The congregation dissolved into laughter,and the pageant got a standing ovation. "I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one,"laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes "For the rest of my life,I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur." "My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.

I pray that one day soon I will become a mom who looks at the humor instead of the mess. I thank God daily for the promise of our children to come. I'm excited to see how we grow as we try to raise them and teach them about their heavenly Father. As in the story above seeing things through children's eyes can some different than seeing things through our filtered eyes.

As I endevore to serve God in every area of my life I know that my prayers will not return void. The answers may be different than what I expected but I serve a King that is not human and He keeps every promise that He makes. Thanking Him daily for His gift of His only son. That still amazes me...coming as a tiny baby but yet as a majestic KING!

Jesus had no servants,yet they called Him Master.
Had no degree,yet they called Him Teacher .
Had no medicines,yet they called Him Healer.
Had no army,yet kings feared Him.
He won no military battles,yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime,yet they crucified Him.
He was buried in a tomb,yet He lives today. Feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

There's Hope

2008-11-15T21:47:00.013-05:00

Moving ahead bold and confident but it is much easier when there is hope. Something that honestly I haven't had for awhile. Thank you Lord for restoring hope within me.

On October 30th I finally had my first gyn/ob appointment since moving to Ohio. It went well. Nothing too much to be excited about. Dr. M is a fast paced straight to the point kind of guy. Didn't really have time to make me feel all warm and fuzzy but I wasn't turned off by him either. He knew his stuff and that's what is important.

At the first appointment he did the regular first appointment stuff as well as took my blood as well as scheduled an appointment for this past Friday November 14th to have an ultrasound done. That is the quickest why for him to see what he's dealing with. My blood work came back fine and he says all my levels are where they needed to be for the day of my cycle I was on when he took my blood. My first question was my progesterone level...It came back at .9. I was a little disappointed but he told me not too worry that it can drop that low during some days of your cycle.

My second appointment is when I had my ultrasound and he went over what we were going to do next. His words were, " This is a good ultrasound...everything is minor and can be fixed quickly and easily. We will get you and your husband on the road to tiring to have a baby quickly." AWESOME!!! PRAISE YOU GOD!!! was my first reaction.

Apparently I have a little endometriosis, fibroid tumor, a really thick uterine lining. He says that all of these things can be fixed with little laparoscopy surgery. He will first do a DNC to make my uterus a little less thick and a little more sticky. Then he will remove the tumor and cut out endometriosis. He made it sound so simple that I thought I was going to drive myself and go to work afterwards until I read the paperwork that he gave me. I think someones going to need to go with me... Either way I don't think that it will be too bad. Seems fairly painless but I'll let you know for sure December 17th.

Keep us in your prayers. Its kind of exciting knowing that once this hysteroscopy is done by this time next year we might actually have a baby...or two. :)

Here's to hoping!

What do I do for a living???

2008-11-11T18:56:00.006-05:00

When I tell people what I do for a living sometimes they don't get it. There was a time when I didn't get it either...I read this the other day I read something that explained exactally what I do.

I am a minister. I minister to the largest mission field in the world. I minister...to children.My calling is sure. My challenge is big. My vision is clear. My desire is strong. My influence is eternal. My impact is critical. My values are solid. My faith is durable. My mission is urgent. My purpose is unmistakable. My direction is for - ward. My heart is genuine. My strength is supernatural. My reward is promised. And my God is real.

In a world of cynicism, I offer hope. In a world of confusion, I offer truth. In a world of immorality, I offer values. In a world of neglect, I offer attention. In a world of abuse, I offer safety. In a world of ridicule, I offer affirmation. In a world of division, I offer reconciliation. In a world of bitterness, I offer forgiveness. In a world of sin, I offer salvation. In a world of hate, I offer God’s love.I refuse to be dismayed, disengaged, disgruntled, discouraged or distracted.

Neither will I look back, stand back, fall back, go back or sit back. I do not need applause, flattery, adulation, prestige, stature or veneration. I do not have time for business as usual, mediocre standards, small thinking, outdated methods, normal expectations, average results, ordinary ideas, petty disputes or low vision.

I will not give up, give in, bail out, lie down, turn over, quit or surrender.I will pray when things look bad. I will pray when things look good. I will move forward when others stand still. I will trust God when obstacles arise. I will work when the task is overwhelming. I will get up when I fall down.

My calling is to reach boys and girls for God. It is too serious to be taken lightly, too urgent to be postponed, too vital to be ignored, too relevant to be overlooked, too significant to be trivialized, too eternal to be fleeting and too passionate to be quenched.I know my mission. I know my challenge. I also know my limitations, my weak - nesses, my fears and my problems.

And I know my God. Let others get the praise. Let the church get the blessing. Let God get the glory.I am a minister. I minister to children.

This is who I am. This is what I do.

The Call by Roger Fields

Coffee & Red Bull

2008-11-11T07:35:00.002-05:00

3 LARGE cups of coffee hasn't even touched my sleepiness this morning. I think I could curl up under my desk and go to sleep. We went to bed before midnight...like 11:30ish so I shouldn't be THAT sleepy. I think it is just because i actually REALLY REALLY slept last night. No dreams...no work...no one chasing me...It was just me and the pillow. :) I want to go back.

Sadie, our chocolate lab, slept with us last night. She's so funny there are some days that she likes to be right in the middle of us. Other days she wants nothing to do with us and goes and sleeps in the other room. I wonder why there is such a big difference. I wonder if she has scary dreams or maybe she's just cold and wants to warm up. Shawn says I treat Raz and Sadie like a bunch of pre schoolers. I do...but it sure is nice to wake up in the morning and have this cute chocolate face looking at you.

So the question of the day is...will I leave to get a Red Bull before my staff meeting or after my staff meeting...I'm guessing it will be with in the next few mins...It's a coffee AND red bull kind of day...

Made...

2008-10-31T23:20:00.002-04:00

Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

It excites me that HE already knows how many hairs are on my children's head...exactally what his toes are going to look like...exactally who he is going to be when he grows up...just how much I already love him!

Thank you Lord for your promises!

21 Things on 10/21

2008-10-21T22:25:00.003-04:00

Saw this on one of the Blogs I follow and thought I'd try it!

21 Things on 10/21

1. Where is your cell phone? On the nightstand
2. Where is your significant other? in bed next to me SICK!
3. Your hair color? DARK brown and red..just like the fall leaves :)
4. Your mother? Kathryn Gayle; lives in Tampa
5. Your father? Paul "Skip"; lives with Jesus
6. Something you’re not wearing? Jewelry
7. Your dream last night? Don't remember it all...but it was funny!!
8. Your dream/goal? To live a productive, happy life with my husband and future children!
9. The room you're in? In my bedroom
10. Your fear? That I'll never have my own child to watch grow up
11. Where do you want to be in six years? Raising our children where ever God leads us
12. Where were you last night? Had Mike and Natalie over for dinner
13. Where you grew up? TAMPA FLORIDA!
14. The last thing you did? Went to Jackie and Danny's LAST Cell Group...
so sad...
15. What are you wearing? PJ's shorts and my friend Shannon's t-shirt
16. Your TV? Watching FRIENDS
17. Your pet? Two beautiful puppies!!! Razy and Sadie
18. Your car? PT cruiser
19. Your mood? Trying to relax and get ready for bed
20. When is the last time you laughed? Just now watching FRIENDS
21. Last time you cried? Last week because the Brenner's are moving to Arizona...

Standing on His Promise

2008-10-15T22:37:00.000-04:00

There has been so much going on here the past few weeks. I started looking back at the calendar and twelve weeks ago we were... Preparing our home for a new baby, Getting ready for yet another birthday of mine, the birth of baby Eli, the death of Shawn's grandmother, the death of McLovin' (Taylor's bearded dragon), went on vacation, went back to Rocky Mount, moved the girls out, went through a very interesting empty nest time, prepared for Fall Fest @ work, found out that our dearest friends from Ohio are moving to Arizona, and so much more that I could go on all day.

What amazes me is how much happens in twelve weeks and how much is gone none of that will ever happen again. There are times when I wonder what could I have done different to make more of an impact on every single one of these experiences? Live goes by so fast and is filled with so many things and people but when I sit still there are times when I feel so empty and alone. I am thankful that I have a Father that lets me feel but doesn't allow me to stay in those places...I am thankful that I serve a King that is full of promise and hope. There are days when all I can do is stand…Stand on His promises for me and my family.

Jeremiah 29: 11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Philippians 4:12-13 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Psalm 138:8 "The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever—do not abandon the works of your hands."

Romans 4:20 "Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."

Numbers 23:19 “The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground-in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

Deuteronomy 28:11 God is NOT a God that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not fulfill?"

Never say Never

2008-10-09T23:43:00.001-04:00

I remember when we first were married waaayyy back in 1997 I remember Shawn and I talking about children. We would go on birth control for the first year and then start trying year two or three to have a baby. We talked about foster care. We both agreed that we would never do the foster care thing it would be too hard and complicated. Sounds like a plan huh?! After 11 years and 4 months it is clear to say God had other plans. Although I know that He has promised us children its the where when and how that is still in question.

As I have mentioned in other blogs we had a some kids come live with us for 8 months. YES pretty much just like foster care except we didn't get paid by the state...They went home the a few weeks ago. The oldest one had a beautiful baby boy while living with us. He is growing like a weed now! He went from 5lbs 6oz(lowest weight) to 11 lbs 2oz. She is a great mom and loves him so much! The four 4 old has started preschool & LOVES IT. The 15 year old is doing great in high school. I am so proud of them! Just as much as it was an adjustment when they moved in but I think that its more of an adjustment now that they are not here.

So this puts us in a strangely familiar place of what do we do now. The question of our baby comes back to where, when, and how. The Doctor that I went to while living in Rocky Mount was wonderful but with the jobs Shawn had and the fact that he lived up here for 9 months didn't help the getting pregnant factor of things. I could go to the Dr all I wanted and take all the fertility meds but apparently your other half has to actually BE there to get pregnant. Were do we stand on the baby thing you may want to know...We are going to finish up our foster care to adopt license just in case our baby is suppose to come from someone else's tummy but I have also FINALLY made a Dr. appointment.

Can you believe that it has been 2 1/2 years since I have been to the Dr??? Why in the world did I wait that long at 33 years old?? Yes I know that my "Time Clock" is ticking. But with moving I wasn't sure how to pick out the best of the best baby Dr. I have been praying about it for some time now...talked to some people about it...made what I deemed as a rational deduction of Dr...prayed about it some more and then FINALLY made an appointment. My appointment is Thursday October 30. (just 2 days after my dearest friend from OHIO is moving CLEAR ACROSS the country to Arizona. Which may make this Dr think I need some other sort of help other than him) Please pray for this appointment to go well.

Ultimately, I pray and dream that he'll take one look at me and say "YEP your pregnant! Let's do an ultra sound to see how far along you are! OH LOOK THERE'S TWINS!!! A boy and a girl!" Yes...I already have their names picked out. But realistically pray that he knows exactly what I need to do to become pregnant with out thousands and thousands of $$$ and years and years and years worth of test. Pray that this is THE Dr that God is wanting us to go to. Another important thing to me is to pray that he is a Christian that has beliefs that intermingle with ours. I've been to Dr's who are Christians and those who aren't. There is a difference in my opinion.

Well in case you were wondering that's where we stand on the KIDS issue. I have prayed for my children since I was young...SOOOO many reassurances that God knows the desire of our hearts and has plans on fulfilling the promises that He has given to us.

Hubby & I are going with a few other couples to see Fire.Proof this weekend with a few other couples. Suppose to be a great movie if you get a chance check it out...http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/

Happy Fall Ya'll!

3 Reasons

2008-09-21T18:13:00.002-04:00

I have to admit lately I have been asking God, "Why do I do what I am doing?". Today as I came in early this afternoon to get some "quite time" prior to evening church I feel at peace with the answer...there are three reasons why I continue to do what I do.

#1 Intimacy with my Dad, my Father, MY GOD!
#2 Involvement in my community that surrounds my on a minute by minute basis.
#3 Influence the world. Only God knows what these children will become...I'm not even sure if they will remember my name but I pray that they will remember the feeling of God's love through me.